Dec 19th, 2019
So, I was actually in the middle of writing a different updated blog post. These usually take me a few days to get through. Before I could finish that post, I found it necessary to purge my closet. In the last two weeks I have had several issues in the morning finding clothes that fit.
Up until now, I’ve been able to make a lot of my larger clothes work for me even though they are too big. Unfortunately, I can no longer make them work. Typically, for a clothes-horse like myself, this would be a joyous occasion. I would be able to go and buy new clothes, I’d feel great in my skin, and enjoy this new freedom in clothes I haven’t been able to wear before. However, the experience of purging my closet has not been one of excitement.
It has actually been one of fear. I have not brought this situation up to any of my fellow bariatric bloggers, so I don’t know if this is a normal situation. I assume it is, I’m sure plenty of people have felt it difficult to let go of your old life and trust in moving forward. There are a few clothing items that I have never given up, one of them being a very old sweater of my father’s from college, my personal college graduation dress, and other various T-shirts and clothing that represent milestones in life. The clothes I purged today, are none of those things. They are clothing and sizes that I can no longer wear and make look “normal.” They are the clothes that have been with me over the last three or four years, got me through the ups and downs of my weight fluctuation. They’ve been with me in moments of joy, tears, frustration, and excitement. To be getting rid of these clothing items right now is a little anxiety inducing.
I’m afraid to get rid of them frankly. It’s hard for me to accept that I no longer need those sizes. I am in this limbo of accepting my new life and future, and letting go of my old self. One of the biggest reasons I have chosen not to share my specific weight, or weight loss number is because I don’t want the number to be important. My mental health, my activity level, those are the things I value about this weight loss. I was just as worthy of a human being before, and just as beautiful several pounds ago. Beauty is found at every size and shape, and I want to be an advocate for people who feel marginalized based on the way they look.
I never want to let go of loving the person that I was several pounds heavier. Right now, getting rid of “her” clothes makes me feel like I am letting go of “her” in a sense, erasing her. The reality is, there is no “her.” It’s just me. These are just clothes. Changing my clothing size doesn’t change my value, it doesn’t change what I stand for. These are just the outer garments that I don. I found this experience very interesting, not quite therapeutic but interesting.
I will keep you posted on how these feelings progress. Please know I am doing amazing, I feel incredible, I am very happy, and working really hard. I will have my year appointment coming up in about a month. I will also post my “update,” blog entry after this, even though it had been written prior to tonight. Thank you again for all of your continued support and prayers. God bless
