The Purge

Dec 19th, 2019

So, I was actually in the middle of writing a different updated blog post. These usually take me a few days to get through. Before I could finish that post, I found it necessary to purge my closet. In the last two weeks I have had several issues in the morning finding clothes that fit. 

Up until now, I’ve been able to make a lot of my larger clothes work for me even though they are too big. Unfortunately, I can no longer make them work. Typically, for a clothes-horse like myself, this would be a joyous occasion. I would be able to go and buy new clothes, I’d feel great in my skin, and enjoy this new freedom in clothes I haven’t been able to wear before. However, the experience of purging my closet has not been one of excitement. 

It has actually been one of fear. I have not brought this situation up to any of my fellow bariatric bloggers, so I don’t know if this is a normal situation. I assume it is, I’m sure plenty of people have felt it difficult to let go of your old life and trust in moving forward. There are a few clothing items that I have never given up, one of them being a very old sweater of my father’s from college, my personal college graduation dress, and other various T-shirts and clothing that represent milestones in life. The clothes I purged today, are none of those things. They are clothing and sizes that I can no longer wear and make look “normal.” They are the clothes that have been with me over the last three or four years, got me through the ups and downs of my weight fluctuation. They’ve been with me in moments of joy, tears, frustration, and excitement. To be getting rid of these clothing items right now is a little anxiety inducing. 

I’m afraid to get rid of them frankly. It’s hard for me to accept that I no longer need those sizes. I am in this limbo of accepting my new life and future, and letting go of my old self.   One of the biggest reasons I have chosen not to share my specific weight, or weight loss number is because I don’t want the number to be important.  My mental health, my activity level, those are the things I value about this weight loss. I was just as worthy of a human being before, and just as beautiful several pounds ago. Beauty is found at every size and shape, and I want to be an advocate for people who feel marginalized based on the way they look. 

I never want to let go of loving the person that I was several pounds heavier. Right now, getting rid of “her” clothes makes me feel like I am letting go of “her” in a sense, erasing her. The reality is, there is no “her.” It’s just me. These are just clothes. Changing my clothing size doesn’t change my value, it doesn’t change what I stand for. These are just the outer garments that I don. I found this experience very interesting, not quite therapeutic but interesting. 

I will keep you posted on how these feelings progress. Please know I am doing amazing, I feel incredible, I am very happy, and working really hard. I will have my year appointment coming up in about a month. I will also post my “update,” blog entry after this, even though it had been written prior to tonight. Thank you again for all of your continued support and prayers. God bless 

The Tale of Three Rings

August 18th, 2019

So I thought I was doing other fun Update post. Today I tell the tale of the three rings. I was very blessed in getting an incredible engagement ring from my husband, it is absolutely the most beautiful ring of ever seen in my life. I balled my eyes out when he propose, and was in awe of my ring. I absolutely adore this ring and take very good care of it. So much so, that I actually sent it all the way to the original jeweler, shout out to Robyn, to have it cleaned and repaired etc. Well, I lost one of my small diamonds, freaked out, and immediately put my beautiful engagement ring away for safekeeping. In the meantime I wore another ring from the Bahamas my parents had purchased for me years ago, and use this as my placeholder until I can get my ring repaired. This ring I believe is a size 9. It was really fun to wear, it has a pretty purple amethyst stone, and a man-made opal on one side of it. It also has a think three small CZ stones, but they could be diamonds-Mom correct me if I’m wrong. I enjoyed looking down at my hand and seeing a different color shimmer in the light, and thought to myself it would be really fun to just get a bunch of different rings in different colors to wear as I go through this weight-loss journey. 

A few months went by, and this ring began to slip around my finger. It was twirling and twirling and twirling and wouldn’t come off by itself but could come off with very little effort. I decided it was time to get a smaller ring. This was exciting, although I missed my precious engagement ring from my husband. In the past I have purchased rings for other people in my family at Kohl’s, so I went there with Shane and we looked at rings together. I found one, he found one, I found one, he found one. The last one that he found I got really excited about, because I thought maybe this is the type of ring he would have picked out for me had he been alone shopping for rings. Because of this, I wanted that ring. Unfortunately, it was also a size 9, which didn’t make any sense because the ring I was wearing was a size 9. It was the only one they had in stock, so I got it. I loved wearing this ring. 

Very soon after, I would say about a week or so just ring started slipping off my finger. I knew I had to do something about this. I love the ring so much, thinking of it as a gift from Shane, so I ordered clear ring sizers to wear with it. Unfortunately these ring sizers were so big that my finger could hardly close around it. So I figured, I will exchange it even though I didn’t want to. I came to this conclusion after finding out that Shane wasn’t crazy about the ring in the first place, he was just trying to find something for me to wear, LOL so much for romance. My best friend Liz and I went to exchange it, on a mission to find me a new ring. I honestly thought that I would get one with the colored stone, since I had enjoyed wearing the amethyst ring so much. Alas, I couldn’t find anything I liked more that the ring that I had at the present. So I went up to the counter and asked if they could see if they had my ring at another store, in a size 8. Having that smaller size was so important, because the nine slipped right off. Luckily, they had one in Puyallup. Although it is a little out-of-the-way on my drive home, it was worth it to me. I was ecstatic because I love that ring so much.

I wore that ring until about two weeks ago. Yep, you guessed it… It was time for a smaller ring. I currently wear a simulated opal in a size 7. I found it on amazon and it had great reviews. I’m really enjoy this ring. It is fun once again to have something more unique on my ring finger. It’s hard to believe that my body is changing so rapidly. I look forward to the day when my ring size is more stable and I can get my engagement ring size set. 

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. If you see any cool affordable rings, send me a link! I’d love to see your ideas.

Love,

A

Big Losses, Big Gains

Wednesday, July 31st 2019

There is so much to update everyone on... I don’t know where to start!

I had my 6month appointment with my bari doctor. I stepped on the scale so nervous. I don’t weigh myself at home, so I honestly had no idea what I would weigh. When I saw the number my mouth dropped open. I don’t think specifics are necessary to share, because numbers on a scale should never define our value as people, but let me tell you I have basically lost a whole person. 

I was excited, because I felt that number wouldn’t let my doctor down. I already had the victory- walking my dog, playing with Aubrey, using stairs, etc. I actually told my doctor that I am happy at my current weight and body shape. It allows me to do the things I want to do, be active and have energy. They stated that I will continue to lose for at least another year, it will just come at a slower rate than this initial drop. 

They also want me to work on building up my muscle mass. I have honestly been putting this off because I am afraid of my knees acting up. I am fairly active every day, but I am not doing traditional workouts and strength training. Our gym has a pool, and I know that will be easy on my knees. They also have a Pilates class that I would like to check out. I figure I would approach the fitness portion of the journey like I have with the food portion- one step at a time. I want to maintain these gains (and scale losses), and I think building a foundation and continuing to build piece by piece will give me a long-term lifestyle. 

I have continued to try my hand at cooking, and am making great choices. My sweet tooth has been curbed by beautiful cherries and peaches this month. I also have a melon popsicle every now and then. It just goes to show that I can have less healthy habits one week, and it not be a long term thing. I don’t eat like a rabbit or anything, I eat things I enjoy, I just try and be aware that the protein is what will sustain me throughout the day. 

I can also feel in my body when I need more food. Having past issues with eating, this feeling of hunger (and sometimes dizziness) is new and kind of exciting. I listen to my body and it talks to me. LOL I know that seems silly, but after years of neglect, I am trying to be in tune with what 
body needs. 

I’ll save more for another post, gotta get our sweet girl to bed.

Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support! You are a part of my success ❤️

Summer is Here

July 4th, 2019

The summer feels like it is flying by. we have already been to visit our family in New York, and had good friends visit from Florida. Those are two huge events we look forward to every year. We still have a few adventures planned for the rest of the summer. 

This past month or so I have been eating a solid 90 g of protein every day. It is getting easier, and easier. I also notice I have so much more energy, and feel strong in my body when I make sure I get enough protein. It still is tricky to get all of my liquid in, especially now that the summer heat is continuing to rise. Luckily, I always have my trusty ice from sonic available in my freezer. 

Some victories that have occurred so far this summer, include riding on the plane without a seatbelt extender, walking the entire airport without assistance from a cane or wheelchair, walking the entire point defiance zoo with a great family friends. Last year, while visiting the zoo, I had to use a motorized scooter. I was doubtful of this year, if I would be able to visit the whole zoo and depend on my very own pair of legs. But before I knew it, our trip was over and I not only had I walked up and down several sets of stairs, I only took two breaks the entire time. Some other fun things have included fitting into old clothes that I’ve been hanging onto for a while. I’ve enjoyed the summer in dresses and shorts! I have had to purchase some new undergarments, and that was pretty exciting. 

My body is changing a lot, and I don’t notice it as much as I notice my activity level increasing. I’ve even been climbing on the big-toys when we go to play with Aubrey at the park. I’m so excited to start hiking, and had my first hiking experience with Aubrey‘s class during a field trip at the end of the school year. Not only did we hike up and down a huge set of stairs, we also walked up and down a rocky beach. 

One of my favorite things every year has been to swim on the inlet located by my parents home. Unfortunately the last year or two my legs have not given me enough stability to do this. I couldn’t depend on them to keep solid and stable against the current. This year, I was able to swim, fit in an old bathing suit, and even go searching for their dog amongst very uneven, rocky beach. 

I am finding it harder to resist temptation when it comes to “treats,” as my stomach romper area more variety of food. One “treat” in particular that I missed and can now enjoy are the chicken quesadillas at Taco Bell. I have always had it in my mind that I want to sustain this weight loss. To do that, I believe that not only do I need to focus on my protein, and well balanced nutrition. I also can allow myself to have these food treats periodically. Something else that isn’t bothering my stomach, are sugary treats. Particularly Oreos. So these are things that I am not as diligent of avoiding as I would prefer. And, every day is a new day. Just because one day I may slip up, or go a little overboard doesn’t mean that I will do that every day. 

Frankly, all foods fit. That is one of the greatest phrases I have ever heard. In the past I have been so obsessed and focused on food, what food goes into my body, what food doesn’t go into my body, and I have not allowed myself the freedom to try things once in a while. I focus more on how food makes me feel, rather than what it taste like. Now initiallyI choose a treat based on how it tastes, or how I anticipate it to taste. In my stronger moments, I focus on what it actually tastes like, and how my body feels afterward. This usually helps me get back on track and filling my body with the foods that make me feel the best. 

I don’t want to focus on good or bad, I want to focus on feeling energized, or not feeling energized. All foods truly do fit, and I want to live that lifestyle. 

I love my tool and I don’t take it for granted. I will slip up, I will make choices sometimes they aren’t the best for my body. That doesn’t mean that is lasting. I can still turn around and make the choices that fuel my body. I wanted to be honest with my journey, because there might be people out there who are struggling too. Whether you had a surgery or not, the relationship with food can be complicated. So it’s important to not be too hard on ourselves, and it’s still OK to hold ourselves accountable. 

I was valuable before my surgery, and I’m valuable now. My size doesn’t give me value, it has however given me freedom. Thank you again all for your continued support and prayers.

Love you ❤️

Challenges and Blessings

May 6th, 2019

This past month has had it’s challenges. I’ve been having a lot of headaches. About ten years ago, I began going “gluten-free.” This change in my diet was so helpful as my 3-day a week migraines began to lessen and lessen in occurrence. I now eat almost exclusively “gluten-free,” and have been diagnosed with a gluten intolerance. This was fine before surgery, but now I am finding it so much more difficult. I had built a routine of eating corn, rice, and potato products. This wasn’t a problem as more and more options have been available. However, now I am advised against too much corn and no sticky rice. After surgery I allowed myself to try regular bread, etc. This was not a good choice. Not only do I think this lead to having migraines again, it also took it’s toll on my digestive system. So here I am, back to eating gluten free, and being very aware of the carb count in those items. 

I am also closer to my protein goal of 90grams! This is exciting, as it feels like not too log ago I was flirting around 60grams. I continue to drop weight, although the greatest complement for me is on my mobility. I can not believe how well I’m getting around. 

I am happy to share that I will begin working at a private school here in Lacey next year! I have even had the pleasure of subbing there last week. I am so excited for this next adventure.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers!

Appetite

I’m experiencing this new phenomenon since I had my surgery. I have had a few days a week where I am just not hungry. I try to eat something simple like yogurt, but I can’t even finish it. It’s not that I am feeling full, I just have no appetite. I try supplementing with protein water and protein shakes, although I’d like to be getting my protein from actual food. After researching, and asking questions, it could be my tastebuds changing. This is very common for people who undergo bariatric surgery.

So, I’ve been trying some new recipes and food combinations. My favorites right now include seafood. I have made shrimp soft tacos, with a little guacamole, sour cream, and a drizzle of salsa. They are SO delicious. My second fave is just a simple tuna salad, and eaten with pickles instead of bread or crackers. 

Even though these have been hitting the spot, I can’t always use them to entice an appetite. I use corn tortillas to make my tacos. I don’t fry them, just heat them up a bit. I usually have two. However, I have found that I can get a tummy ache if I have that dish two days in a row. I usually give myself three days before I have them again. Tuna, on the other hand, can be enjoyed daily. The crunchier the pickle the better!

Lastly, I have been ecstatic over my new mobility. I am using assistance less and less. I’m going on walks/dog park visits almost daily. I know Memphis is loving it too. I even could climb up into my step-daughter’s loft bed. Even unloading the car on my own is exciting. I’m planning on incorporating yoga into my daily routine. We will see :)

Thank you again for all your support! Love you!!!

Little Changes Make a Difference

March 22nd, 2019

Today has been great! I had a massage this morning, then I went to Costco to get some groceries and things for little one’s soccer game tomorrow. Although I am not walking the whole Costco building yet, I have been able to walk Target, Marshals, and Safeway. Unless it’s the end of the day, then my legs are a little weary. I feel so much freedom. I’m able to walk from the parking lot to a store and then walk the whole store. I have energy to go on walks with my dog, and take him to the dog park. I’m walking up and down stairs so much better than I have in a long time. I still have a ways to go, I would like to start incorporating more exercise into my daily routine. I love swimming, and have a pool locally that I can go to. 

I have also been enjoying cooking! This is the first time in my life I’ve actually wanted to go to the grocery store, wanted to look up recipes, wanted to actually make them. I’m not intimidated by the stove anymore :-) I enjoy cooking and don’t come down too hard on myself when my meals don’t work out perfectly. There have definitely been some blunders, but I try to learn at least one thing from everything I cook. 

My clothes are also starting to get pretty loose, they are comfortable but very flowy LOL. 

One very exciting thing that has happened in the last couple of weeks, I was invited to sing a song with my dad‘s band, the pleasure hounds. I sang “Unchain My Heart“ by Ray Charles. The band has been playing together for a long time and it was a little intimidating to join them on stage. I have to say, all the guys were very supportive. And I loved the experience. I was nervous, I have never sang with a live band like this before. It was a very vulnerable thing to do, to be yourself on stage instead of a character. I have never really experienced at this kind of nervousness before, playing a character is so different than being yourself. My dad also hosts an open mic night Sundays at the Olympia bowling alley, and I hope to join him this Sunday to do a few songs. 

Thank you so much for all of your continued support and words of encouragement. I am so appreciative of my support system.