October 11, 2010
Today I had a therapy session up in Belleview, and I did NOT want to go. This last week has been pretty stressful and I lost it this morning. I was balling and my parents kind of freaked out, so my dad offered to come with me. Thank God he did, otherwise I would have not showered and had a miserable day.
The whole ride up we talked about church the day before. We talked about faith and this whole bullying situation resulting in a bunch of teen suicides. I was rambling off, as I usually do, and he was like, "You gotta get some of these ideas on paper..." He ended up suggesting that I think about writing a book for teens about depression and struggling. I thought it was a good idea, and maybe I will think about doing that. It was just a really cool moment for my dad to suggest that I strive for something really big. He is more or a logical thinker; not real romantic and dreamy. It was also nice to hear him say he believed in me.
I get so consumed with my own issues that I forget to let my parents in sometimes. My dad really surprised me today, and I needed that little boost. =)
I also have been offered to work a couple of freelance make-up artist jobs. Hopefully they will come through and help me pay my bills in the coming months. I have been honestly trying to eat three times a day, but if I don't sit myself down to do it, it doesn't happen. I also haven't gotten active yet, but hopefully I find the drive to at least get on the wii.
Here's hoping that I can make this week different...
~A
Monday, October 11, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Take 2?
October 9th, 2010
So, from July to October I obviously have kept on track with my blogging and new lifestyle routine...NOT. I don't think I have gained all my weight back, but I have definitely gained weight. I haven't been taking my Metformin either - I have a terrible track record for taking meds, and the whole process of getting back on...is time consuming and exhausting. But I NEED to do it. I have been so depressed these last few months, and I know if I can get back into a work0out routine, and good eating habits I will feel better, both physically and emotionally. It is just so much easier sometimes to eat whatever I want. I have been eating really late at night recently, and it has given me terrible indigestion. But, the minute I feel better I go back. What is it with me? I was doing so well, and now I've choked. I've had a few urges to purge, but I will never go back to that -EVER. The fact is, I will deal with an eating disorder for the rest of my life, and for once I was on a good path, not going over board, and enjoying life. But there is that little monster inside who wants to break me down, and I have GOT to find that part of me that is strong enough to breakthrough. That's what I need right now, a breakthrough. I also need to realize that this is beyond my control, and that in order to really get through all of this and get back on track, I have to turn to God. He is the one who will give me strength. He will get me through. But my doubt and self-reliance (and to a certain extent pride) make me think that I don't need God to do anything in this, or that He wont because I feel He hasn't. I make this prayer tonight to relinquish my control over my eating/exercising to God, hoping and desperately praying that He can make the change in me I can't make myself.
Prayers for this week:
That I get an interview
Look in the mirror and feel beautiful
Eat three meals a day
Get active at least 3 times this week
Thanks again for all you support. I need it now more than ever.
~A
So, from July to October I obviously have kept on track with my blogging and new lifestyle routine...NOT. I don't think I have gained all my weight back, but I have definitely gained weight. I haven't been taking my Metformin either - I have a terrible track record for taking meds, and the whole process of getting back on...is time consuming and exhausting. But I NEED to do it. I have been so depressed these last few months, and I know if I can get back into a work0out routine, and good eating habits I will feel better, both physically and emotionally. It is just so much easier sometimes to eat whatever I want. I have been eating really late at night recently, and it has given me terrible indigestion. But, the minute I feel better I go back. What is it with me? I was doing so well, and now I've choked. I've had a few urges to purge, but I will never go back to that -EVER. The fact is, I will deal with an eating disorder for the rest of my life, and for once I was on a good path, not going over board, and enjoying life. But there is that little monster inside who wants to break me down, and I have GOT to find that part of me that is strong enough to breakthrough. That's what I need right now, a breakthrough. I also need to realize that this is beyond my control, and that in order to really get through all of this and get back on track, I have to turn to God. He is the one who will give me strength. He will get me through. But my doubt and self-reliance (and to a certain extent pride) make me think that I don't need God to do anything in this, or that He wont because I feel He hasn't. I make this prayer tonight to relinquish my control over my eating/exercising to God, hoping and desperately praying that He can make the change in me I can't make myself.
Prayers for this week:
That I get an interview
Look in the mirror and feel beautiful
Eat three meals a day
Get active at least 3 times this week
Thanks again for all you support. I need it now more than ever.
~A
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