Take 2?

October 9th, 2010

So, from July to October I obviously have kept on track with my blogging and new lifestyle routine...NOT. I don't think I have gained all my weight back, but I have definitely gained weight. I haven't been taking my Metformin either - I have a terrible track record for taking meds, and the whole process of getting back on...is time consuming and exhausting. But I NEED to do it. I have been so depressed these last few months, and I know if I can get back into a work0out routine, and good eating habits I will feel better, both physically and emotionally. It is just so much easier sometimes to eat whatever I want. I have been eating really late at night recently, and it has given me terrible indigestion. But, the minute I feel better I go back. What is it with me? I was doing so well, and now I've choked. I've had a few urges to purge, but I will never go back to that -EVER. The fact is, I will deal with an eating disorder for the rest of my life, and for once I was on a good path, not going over board, and enjoying life. But there is that little monster inside who wants to break me down, and I have GOT to find that part of me that is strong enough to breakthrough. That's what I need right now, a breakthrough. I also need to realize that this is beyond my control, and that in order to really get through all of this and get back on track, I have to turn to God. He is the one who will give me strength. He will get me through. But my doubt and self-reliance (and to a certain extent pride) make me think that I don't need God to do anything in this, or that He wont because I feel He hasn't. I make this prayer tonight to relinquish my control over my eating/exercising to God, hoping and desperately praying that He can make the change in me I can't make myself.

Prayers for this week:
That I get an interview
Look in the mirror and feel beautiful
Eat three meals a day
Get active at least 3 times this week

Thanks again for all you support. I need it now more than ever.
~A