We have a surgery date!

Sunday, December 16th, 2018

I am set for surgery in a month, and am so very grateful. I still have some apprehension, but I am going through surgery after all. I just keep the end goal in mind, and remind myself that I can do this. I appreciate all the love and support from everyone-it makes a big difference. 

I don’t know what it is about the holidays that brings out the most joyous of times, and some of the most difficult times. This dichotomy relates to the Jesus story, I think. This baby sent to earth, will grow up to give his life. Regardless of religion, I think this story can relay to us the importance of continuing to love, trust, and persevere when the future is both known and unknown. That’s what I’m going through right now. I don’t know what my future will look like 30 years ahead after this surgery, but I will choose to love, trust, and persevere.

I have my family, friends, and faith that I cling to. The times I don’t believe in myself, my tribe is there to remind me- I am stronger than I realize. 

While I await my journey, I’m enjoying the holidays with my family. Christmas movies, decorating the tree, making gifts, and hopefully this will be my last year in a motorized scooter at Zoolights. 

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy Holiday!

Maybe I’ll Dance Again

I have been officially confirmed for surgery. It’s crazy how real this is all becoming. It’s a little overwhelming, to be honest. I believe in myself, it is the possibilities that can come out of this surgery. I’ll be able to do things I haven’t been able to do in years. I might even be able to dance again! 

I shared a dance video from college with my stepdaughter this last weekend (DANCE 2005 at PLU). I was so happy in those moments. Working hard, being creative, learning... dance has been in my life since I was 3 years old. The knee surgeon could tell that for sure. When I had my knee surgeries last year, he said my injuries were typical of dancers. 

I would spend hours in the gym, rehearsing and choreographing. In those quiet moments all alone in that huge gym I would have my freedom, quiet moments to express what I was feeling and thinking. Being authentically myself. I will cherish those memories forever. 

So, thank you to all of you that are supporting me through this leg of my journey! 

I appreciate you more than you know. 

Love, A

His plan

God prepared me before I met Shane. I was whole again. Shane gave me a reason to sing again, to love again. I know he was the man God was preparing for me. We still have growing to do, but we love growing together. We support and cheer each other on, we cry together, and laugh together, (A LOT). 

I love building life with him as my partner. We complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses. He likes to spoil me ( and I like to let him,) and also holds me accountable and puts his foot down. I can be myself with him... the crazy, random, creative, stubborn, headstrong, independent person God created me to be. He has taught me so much about compassion, patience  and letting go of judgement. He is devoted to me, in a time when I have had to rely on help from others, more than ever. 

And I absolutely adore him. His gentle spirit, and kind eyes. His warm smile and generous heart. I love that this is the man I get to call my husband. It was on God’s terms, and I have to hand it to Him, He had a good plan. 

In the meantime (PCOS Update)

So, all of my preliminary testing is done for my surgery. Now I wait to see what the insurance thinks. I have gone to battle with them before, when I needed to have surgery on my knees. I’ll call them in about two weeks to see where they are in the decision making process.

In the meantime, I had to do a round of progesterone for my PCOS (Polycyctic Ovarian Syndrome.) You take a pill for a set amount of time, and then your body... clears itself out- for lack of a better term. The process is annoying, for several reasons, but right now I’m dealing with the pain that can come along. I mean stay at home, curled up in a ball, praying for relief type pain. I have to remind myself that this is worth it. I am preparing my body for a healthy pregnancy in the next couple of years.

It might seem strange that I am planning so far ahead- unless you know I do this in so many different facets of my life lol. Pregnancy specifically for me has to be planned out. For many reasons. The most serious reason is that I will have to be on blood thinners during my pregnancy. When I had the blood clot 10 years ago, they determined increased hormones cause me to develop blood clots in my body. So, when the pregnancy (and possible fertility medications) increase my hormones, I have to be on blood thinners to keep healthy and safe.

I have to plan my pregnancy for another reason, they suggest bariatric patients wait 18 months to 2 years before getting pregnant. I need to maintain my goal weight and have great tools to keep a healthy lifestyle before putting my body through another serious transformation. This is why I am “cleaning house” now, and will have another IUD put it at the end of the month. The IUD has been the best way for me to keep my “house clean.” (I hope the euphemisms aren’t too confusing lol).

I’ve been singing loudly to distract myself from the physical pain, and have an amazing husband who has been such a trouper lol. I am getting through this, and can say I have hope for our future family :)

God Bless Everyone,
-A

P.S.
Please, if you know anyone who has PCOS or has been recently diagnosed, feel free to give them my blog and Facebook account. It was hard for me dealing with PCOS as a single woman for 14-15 years . I would like to be a source of help or hope.

Opening up

 When I was growing up, one of the hardest things for me was to be my true self. It was so afraid of judgment, I was afraid of being ostracized, I was afraid of being generally left alone and abandoned. Because, if people really knew how quirky and strange I was, they wouldn’t want to be my friend. And when I did open up to people, close relationships never lasted and some of those friends even turned on me.

I often look back now and think, “I actually was a pretty cool and funky kid.  I wish that I had known the value in my love of  theater, and Elvis, and allowed myself to dress the way I wanted to, and embraced the strange.”

Now in my 30’s, I can look back to my teenage and prepubescent self, wishing those things for her. But what am I doing now to change that? Honestly, not much. I hide a lot from people on the outside. I don’t want to be a judge for the way I look, my immobility, my mental health, my late in life marriage, my infertility. I still feel like there’s a lot  about me that will lead people to judge me, ostracize me, leave me alone and abandoned me.

But, I think I need to choose to be open. This doesn’t mean every aspect of my life has to be shared with every person I come in contact with, nor do I have to record everything that happens in my life even in this blog. I do see however, the value of sharing my story because maybe someone else out there is judging them selves in the same way.

 I have decided, along with my husband and my family, to have bariatric surgery. What does this mean?  It means I’m going to have weight-loss surgery. And I’m terrified. Not of the surgery, or the recovery, or the hard work that I have to put in to reset the helth of my body. I am terrified of what people are going to think of me because I “had to have bariatric surgery. “

I’d like to think that because of the damage to my knees, I can’t be active enough lose weight on my own, but the reality is maybe I just can’t lose weight on my own. There’s a reason that these surgeries exist. Please know, this is my last resort. I have struggled with eating disorders, I have tried several kinds of diets, I have been active most of my life up until the last four or five years. My body is not receptive to changing it’s taking me a long time to decide to do this.

I want to do this for my family. The family I have now, and the family that I plan to help with my husband. I want to be the healthiest mom I possibly can be, I want to play on the playground, I want to ride bikes, I want to dance! I push myself now to be as physical and as active as I possibly can with my stepdaughter, because I don’t want her to ever miss out on activities and fun with mom. But I have limits, and those limits break my heart.

So I ask you, my community… Please don’t ostracized me, judge, or abandoned me. Support my decision, and I understand this has been a long battle and will continue to be a journey.
Thank you for your prayers and support I love you all.

The Future is Now

June 4th, 2018

It’s Aleece, coming to you LIVE from the future ;)

It has been six years?! It feels like yesterday when I began opening my heart to the world. As I read and reflect on my previous posting, my heart breaks for such a tortured soul. A girl who needed self acceptance, self love, and self confidence. Although a layer of those characteristics has always stood present in my personality, they manifested more like a “wading pool,” of sorts.

I come to you now as a married woman (🎉) examining her life and prioritizing. I have been blessed with the most understanding husband, and for that I have no words to thank God for this blessing. How my husband can see through the shadows/struggles and see me... is humbling.

I have come to a place in my life where I am limited not only by my mental health, but my physical body. In Aug. of ‘17 I had the first of two knee surgeries. They went beautifully and I had such strong hopes that the pain in my knees had been healed. I spent three months living in a wheel chair until my second surgery. Almost six months out, and my heart is heavy with the fear that I will never again be as mobile as my heart, mind, and body want. I watch “Dance Mom’s,” to feed the need and desire for dance and choreography. I use a cane or crutches often, and have to drive a motorized scooter in large stores.

Something inside me thinks that if I weren’t so heavy, I could deal with all of these changes. I could cope soemehow because people wouldn’t see a “fat chick” who doesn’t walk.

I am working hard on changing my mindset. Here is to the continuation of my journey.

God Bless You
❤️Aleece