Opening up

 When I was growing up, one of the hardest things for me was to be my true self. It was so afraid of judgment, I was afraid of being ostracized, I was afraid of being generally left alone and abandoned. Because, if people really knew how quirky and strange I was, they wouldn’t want to be my friend. And when I did open up to people, close relationships never lasted and some of those friends even turned on me.

I often look back now and think, “I actually was a pretty cool and funky kid.  I wish that I had known the value in my love of  theater, and Elvis, and allowed myself to dress the way I wanted to, and embraced the strange.”

Now in my 30’s, I can look back to my teenage and prepubescent self, wishing those things for her. But what am I doing now to change that? Honestly, not much. I hide a lot from people on the outside. I don’t want to be a judge for the way I look, my immobility, my mental health, my late in life marriage, my infertility. I still feel like there’s a lot  about me that will lead people to judge me, ostracize me, leave me alone and abandoned me.

But, I think I need to choose to be open. This doesn’t mean every aspect of my life has to be shared with every person I come in contact with, nor do I have to record everything that happens in my life even in this blog. I do see however, the value of sharing my story because maybe someone else out there is judging them selves in the same way.

 I have decided, along with my husband and my family, to have bariatric surgery. What does this mean?  It means I’m going to have weight-loss surgery. And I’m terrified. Not of the surgery, or the recovery, or the hard work that I have to put in to reset the helth of my body. I am terrified of what people are going to think of me because I “had to have bariatric surgery. “

I’d like to think that because of the damage to my knees, I can’t be active enough lose weight on my own, but the reality is maybe I just can’t lose weight on my own. There’s a reason that these surgeries exist. Please know, this is my last resort. I have struggled with eating disorders, I have tried several kinds of diets, I have been active most of my life up until the last four or five years. My body is not receptive to changing it’s taking me a long time to decide to do this.

I want to do this for my family. The family I have now, and the family that I plan to help with my husband. I want to be the healthiest mom I possibly can be, I want to play on the playground, I want to ride bikes, I want to dance! I push myself now to be as physical and as active as I possibly can with my stepdaughter, because I don’t want her to ever miss out on activities and fun with mom. But I have limits, and those limits break my heart.

So I ask you, my community… Please don’t ostracized me, judge, or abandoned me. Support my decision, and I understand this has been a long battle and will continue to be a journey.
Thank you for your prayers and support I love you all.