The Purge

Dec 19th, 2019

So, I was actually in the middle of writing a different updated blog post. These usually take me a few days to get through. Before I could finish that post, I found it necessary to purge my closet. In the last two weeks I have had several issues in the morning finding clothes that fit. 

Up until now, I’ve been able to make a lot of my larger clothes work for me even though they are too big. Unfortunately, I can no longer make them work. Typically, for a clothes-horse like myself, this would be a joyous occasion. I would be able to go and buy new clothes, I’d feel great in my skin, and enjoy this new freedom in clothes I haven’t been able to wear before. However, the experience of purging my closet has not been one of excitement. 

It has actually been one of fear. I have not brought this situation up to any of my fellow bariatric bloggers, so I don’t know if this is a normal situation. I assume it is, I’m sure plenty of people have felt it difficult to let go of your old life and trust in moving forward. There are a few clothing items that I have never given up, one of them being a very old sweater of my father’s from college, my personal college graduation dress, and other various T-shirts and clothing that represent milestones in life. The clothes I purged today, are none of those things. They are clothing and sizes that I can no longer wear and make look “normal.” They are the clothes that have been with me over the last three or four years, got me through the ups and downs of my weight fluctuation. They’ve been with me in moments of joy, tears, frustration, and excitement. To be getting rid of these clothing items right now is a little anxiety inducing. 

I’m afraid to get rid of them frankly. It’s hard for me to accept that I no longer need those sizes. I am in this limbo of accepting my new life and future, and letting go of my old self.   One of the biggest reasons I have chosen not to share my specific weight, or weight loss number is because I don’t want the number to be important.  My mental health, my activity level, those are the things I value about this weight loss. I was just as worthy of a human being before, and just as beautiful several pounds ago. Beauty is found at every size and shape, and I want to be an advocate for people who feel marginalized based on the way they look. 

I never want to let go of loving the person that I was several pounds heavier. Right now, getting rid of “her” clothes makes me feel like I am letting go of “her” in a sense, erasing her. The reality is, there is no “her.” It’s just me. These are just clothes. Changing my clothing size doesn’t change my value, it doesn’t change what I stand for. These are just the outer garments that I don. I found this experience very interesting, not quite therapeutic but interesting. 

I will keep you posted on how these feelings progress. Please know I am doing amazing, I feel incredible, I am very happy, and working really hard. I will have my year appointment coming up in about a month. I will also post my “update,” blog entry after this, even though it had been written prior to tonight. Thank you again for all of your continued support and prayers. God bless 

The Tale of Three Rings

August 18th, 2019

So I thought I was doing other fun Update post. Today I tell the tale of the three rings. I was very blessed in getting an incredible engagement ring from my husband, it is absolutely the most beautiful ring of ever seen in my life. I balled my eyes out when he propose, and was in awe of my ring. I absolutely adore this ring and take very good care of it. So much so, that I actually sent it all the way to the original jeweler, shout out to Robyn, to have it cleaned and repaired etc. Well, I lost one of my small diamonds, freaked out, and immediately put my beautiful engagement ring away for safekeeping. In the meantime I wore another ring from the Bahamas my parents had purchased for me years ago, and use this as my placeholder until I can get my ring repaired. This ring I believe is a size 9. It was really fun to wear, it has a pretty purple amethyst stone, and a man-made opal on one side of it. It also has a think three small CZ stones, but they could be diamonds-Mom correct me if I’m wrong. I enjoyed looking down at my hand and seeing a different color shimmer in the light, and thought to myself it would be really fun to just get a bunch of different rings in different colors to wear as I go through this weight-loss journey. 

A few months went by, and this ring began to slip around my finger. It was twirling and twirling and twirling and wouldn’t come off by itself but could come off with very little effort. I decided it was time to get a smaller ring. This was exciting, although I missed my precious engagement ring from my husband. In the past I have purchased rings for other people in my family at Kohl’s, so I went there with Shane and we looked at rings together. I found one, he found one, I found one, he found one. The last one that he found I got really excited about, because I thought maybe this is the type of ring he would have picked out for me had he been alone shopping for rings. Because of this, I wanted that ring. Unfortunately, it was also a size 9, which didn’t make any sense because the ring I was wearing was a size 9. It was the only one they had in stock, so I got it. I loved wearing this ring. 

Very soon after, I would say about a week or so just ring started slipping off my finger. I knew I had to do something about this. I love the ring so much, thinking of it as a gift from Shane, so I ordered clear ring sizers to wear with it. Unfortunately these ring sizers were so big that my finger could hardly close around it. So I figured, I will exchange it even though I didn’t want to. I came to this conclusion after finding out that Shane wasn’t crazy about the ring in the first place, he was just trying to find something for me to wear, LOL so much for romance. My best friend Liz and I went to exchange it, on a mission to find me a new ring. I honestly thought that I would get one with the colored stone, since I had enjoyed wearing the amethyst ring so much. Alas, I couldn’t find anything I liked more that the ring that I had at the present. So I went up to the counter and asked if they could see if they had my ring at another store, in a size 8. Having that smaller size was so important, because the nine slipped right off. Luckily, they had one in Puyallup. Although it is a little out-of-the-way on my drive home, it was worth it to me. I was ecstatic because I love that ring so much.

I wore that ring until about two weeks ago. Yep, you guessed it… It was time for a smaller ring. I currently wear a simulated opal in a size 7. I found it on amazon and it had great reviews. I’m really enjoy this ring. It is fun once again to have something more unique on my ring finger. It’s hard to believe that my body is changing so rapidly. I look forward to the day when my ring size is more stable and I can get my engagement ring size set. 

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. If you see any cool affordable rings, send me a link! I’d love to see your ideas.

Love,

A

Big Losses, Big Gains

Wednesday, July 31st 2019

There is so much to update everyone on... I don’t know where to start!

I had my 6month appointment with my bari doctor. I stepped on the scale so nervous. I don’t weigh myself at home, so I honestly had no idea what I would weigh. When I saw the number my mouth dropped open. I don’t think specifics are necessary to share, because numbers on a scale should never define our value as people, but let me tell you I have basically lost a whole person. 

I was excited, because I felt that number wouldn’t let my doctor down. I already had the victory- walking my dog, playing with Aubrey, using stairs, etc. I actually told my doctor that I am happy at my current weight and body shape. It allows me to do the things I want to do, be active and have energy. They stated that I will continue to lose for at least another year, it will just come at a slower rate than this initial drop. 

They also want me to work on building up my muscle mass. I have honestly been putting this off because I am afraid of my knees acting up. I am fairly active every day, but I am not doing traditional workouts and strength training. Our gym has a pool, and I know that will be easy on my knees. They also have a Pilates class that I would like to check out. I figure I would approach the fitness portion of the journey like I have with the food portion- one step at a time. I want to maintain these gains (and scale losses), and I think building a foundation and continuing to build piece by piece will give me a long-term lifestyle. 

I have continued to try my hand at cooking, and am making great choices. My sweet tooth has been curbed by beautiful cherries and peaches this month. I also have a melon popsicle every now and then. It just goes to show that I can have less healthy habits one week, and it not be a long term thing. I don’t eat like a rabbit or anything, I eat things I enjoy, I just try and be aware that the protein is what will sustain me throughout the day. 

I can also feel in my body when I need more food. Having past issues with eating, this feeling of hunger (and sometimes dizziness) is new and kind of exciting. I listen to my body and it talks to me. LOL I know that seems silly, but after years of neglect, I am trying to be in tune with what 
body needs. 

I’ll save more for another post, gotta get our sweet girl to bed.

Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support! You are a part of my success ❤️

Summer is Here

July 4th, 2019

The summer feels like it is flying by. we have already been to visit our family in New York, and had good friends visit from Florida. Those are two huge events we look forward to every year. We still have a few adventures planned for the rest of the summer. 

This past month or so I have been eating a solid 90 g of protein every day. It is getting easier, and easier. I also notice I have so much more energy, and feel strong in my body when I make sure I get enough protein. It still is tricky to get all of my liquid in, especially now that the summer heat is continuing to rise. Luckily, I always have my trusty ice from sonic available in my freezer. 

Some victories that have occurred so far this summer, include riding on the plane without a seatbelt extender, walking the entire airport without assistance from a cane or wheelchair, walking the entire point defiance zoo with a great family friends. Last year, while visiting the zoo, I had to use a motorized scooter. I was doubtful of this year, if I would be able to visit the whole zoo and depend on my very own pair of legs. But before I knew it, our trip was over and I not only had I walked up and down several sets of stairs, I only took two breaks the entire time. Some other fun things have included fitting into old clothes that I’ve been hanging onto for a while. I’ve enjoyed the summer in dresses and shorts! I have had to purchase some new undergarments, and that was pretty exciting. 

My body is changing a lot, and I don’t notice it as much as I notice my activity level increasing. I’ve even been climbing on the big-toys when we go to play with Aubrey at the park. I’m so excited to start hiking, and had my first hiking experience with Aubrey‘s class during a field trip at the end of the school year. Not only did we hike up and down a huge set of stairs, we also walked up and down a rocky beach. 

One of my favorite things every year has been to swim on the inlet located by my parents home. Unfortunately the last year or two my legs have not given me enough stability to do this. I couldn’t depend on them to keep solid and stable against the current. This year, I was able to swim, fit in an old bathing suit, and even go searching for their dog amongst very uneven, rocky beach. 

I am finding it harder to resist temptation when it comes to “treats,” as my stomach romper area more variety of food. One “treat” in particular that I missed and can now enjoy are the chicken quesadillas at Taco Bell. I have always had it in my mind that I want to sustain this weight loss. To do that, I believe that not only do I need to focus on my protein, and well balanced nutrition. I also can allow myself to have these food treats periodically. Something else that isn’t bothering my stomach, are sugary treats. Particularly Oreos. So these are things that I am not as diligent of avoiding as I would prefer. And, every day is a new day. Just because one day I may slip up, or go a little overboard doesn’t mean that I will do that every day. 

Frankly, all foods fit. That is one of the greatest phrases I have ever heard. In the past I have been so obsessed and focused on food, what food goes into my body, what food doesn’t go into my body, and I have not allowed myself the freedom to try things once in a while. I focus more on how food makes me feel, rather than what it taste like. Now initiallyI choose a treat based on how it tastes, or how I anticipate it to taste. In my stronger moments, I focus on what it actually tastes like, and how my body feels afterward. This usually helps me get back on track and filling my body with the foods that make me feel the best. 

I don’t want to focus on good or bad, I want to focus on feeling energized, or not feeling energized. All foods truly do fit, and I want to live that lifestyle. 

I love my tool and I don’t take it for granted. I will slip up, I will make choices sometimes they aren’t the best for my body. That doesn’t mean that is lasting. I can still turn around and make the choices that fuel my body. I wanted to be honest with my journey, because there might be people out there who are struggling too. Whether you had a surgery or not, the relationship with food can be complicated. So it’s important to not be too hard on ourselves, and it’s still OK to hold ourselves accountable. 

I was valuable before my surgery, and I’m valuable now. My size doesn’t give me value, it has however given me freedom. Thank you again all for your continued support and prayers.

Love you ❤️

Challenges and Blessings

May 6th, 2019

This past month has had it’s challenges. I’ve been having a lot of headaches. About ten years ago, I began going “gluten-free.” This change in my diet was so helpful as my 3-day a week migraines began to lessen and lessen in occurrence. I now eat almost exclusively “gluten-free,” and have been diagnosed with a gluten intolerance. This was fine before surgery, but now I am finding it so much more difficult. I had built a routine of eating corn, rice, and potato products. This wasn’t a problem as more and more options have been available. However, now I am advised against too much corn and no sticky rice. After surgery I allowed myself to try regular bread, etc. This was not a good choice. Not only do I think this lead to having migraines again, it also took it’s toll on my digestive system. So here I am, back to eating gluten free, and being very aware of the carb count in those items. 

I am also closer to my protein goal of 90grams! This is exciting, as it feels like not too log ago I was flirting around 60grams. I continue to drop weight, although the greatest complement for me is on my mobility. I can not believe how well I’m getting around. 

I am happy to share that I will begin working at a private school here in Lacey next year! I have even had the pleasure of subbing there last week. I am so excited for this next adventure.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers!

Appetite

I’m experiencing this new phenomenon since I had my surgery. I have had a few days a week where I am just not hungry. I try to eat something simple like yogurt, but I can’t even finish it. It’s not that I am feeling full, I just have no appetite. I try supplementing with protein water and protein shakes, although I’d like to be getting my protein from actual food. After researching, and asking questions, it could be my tastebuds changing. This is very common for people who undergo bariatric surgery.

So, I’ve been trying some new recipes and food combinations. My favorites right now include seafood. I have made shrimp soft tacos, with a little guacamole, sour cream, and a drizzle of salsa. They are SO delicious. My second fave is just a simple tuna salad, and eaten with pickles instead of bread or crackers. 

Even though these have been hitting the spot, I can’t always use them to entice an appetite. I use corn tortillas to make my tacos. I don’t fry them, just heat them up a bit. I usually have two. However, I have found that I can get a tummy ache if I have that dish two days in a row. I usually give myself three days before I have them again. Tuna, on the other hand, can be enjoyed daily. The crunchier the pickle the better!

Lastly, I have been ecstatic over my new mobility. I am using assistance less and less. I’m going on walks/dog park visits almost daily. I know Memphis is loving it too. I even could climb up into my step-daughter’s loft bed. Even unloading the car on my own is exciting. I’m planning on incorporating yoga into my daily routine. We will see :)

Thank you again for all your support! Love you!!!

Little Changes Make a Difference

March 22nd, 2019

Today has been great! I had a massage this morning, then I went to Costco to get some groceries and things for little one’s soccer game tomorrow. Although I am not walking the whole Costco building yet, I have been able to walk Target, Marshals, and Safeway. Unless it’s the end of the day, then my legs are a little weary. I feel so much freedom. I’m able to walk from the parking lot to a store and then walk the whole store. I have energy to go on walks with my dog, and take him to the dog park. I’m walking up and down stairs so much better than I have in a long time. I still have a ways to go, I would like to start incorporating more exercise into my daily routine. I love swimming, and have a pool locally that I can go to. 

I have also been enjoying cooking! This is the first time in my life I’ve actually wanted to go to the grocery store, wanted to look up recipes, wanted to actually make them. I’m not intimidated by the stove anymore :-) I enjoy cooking and don’t come down too hard on myself when my meals don’t work out perfectly. There have definitely been some blunders, but I try to learn at least one thing from everything I cook. 

My clothes are also starting to get pretty loose, they are comfortable but very flowy LOL. 

One very exciting thing that has happened in the last couple of weeks, I was invited to sing a song with my dad‘s band, the pleasure hounds. I sang “Unchain My Heart“ by Ray Charles. The band has been playing together for a long time and it was a little intimidating to join them on stage. I have to say, all the guys were very supportive. And I loved the experience. I was nervous, I have never sang with a live band like this before. It was a very vulnerable thing to do, to be yourself on stage instead of a character. I have never really experienced at this kind of nervousness before, playing a character is so different than being yourself. My dad also hosts an open mic night Sundays at the Olympia bowling alley, and I hope to join him this Sunday to do a few songs. 

Thank you so much for all of your continued support and words of encouragement. I am so appreciative of my support system.

There are tough days too...

There have been some tough days too. I don’t want to necessarily sugarcoat this process, I just want to remind myself that the bad days are fewer than the good days. 

Today, for instance, is a bad day. I have had some digestive issues since yesterday. I haven’t had days like this in about a week and a half. I thought these days were behind me. I get so frustrated because these days keep me from doing the things I want to do. They keep me from spending time with the people I love. I don’t like letting down anyone, especially my family.

So, to cope with these days, I try to focus on the positive and give myself a break. I’m not perfect, and that’s ok. Some days I won’t feel well, and that’s ok. I am human, and am still in my first months of recovery. Even these days upsetting me, is ok because I can get through them.

Thank you for sticking with me,

Aleece

Making Progress

Thank you for giving me grace and patience over the past month. The first few weeks after surgery were tough. There were also moments of joy and rest. I am so humbled by the generosity of my family, who all worked so hard to help me as I came out of my drug-induced haze. Anesthesia always lingers in my system for some reason, and it was hard for me to keep track of time and space, lol. 

I was on clear liquids for the first week after surgery. My favorite “treat” was peach lemonade, sugar free of course. I drank from tiny medicine cups, each equaling an once of liquid. I would sip on these, and work to get 48oz in a day. Mostly I drank Gatorade zero, and craved plain water. I think I wanna also able to eat crushed ice, another favorite treat. 

Week two I moved to liquids like protein drinks and soup. My mom brought me wonton soup, and I cried it tasted so good. My goal for this week was to intake 60g of protein, approximately two protein shakes, a day. I was also still trying to keep my water intake as close to 48fl oz as I could. This week, I noticed my sense of smell had increased. This can be both a good and bath thing. My tastebuds also changed. Protein shakes that I had prior to surgery, tastes bad and gritty now. Luckily, there were more options.

Week three and four I could have soft foods such as yogurt, eggs, and cheeses. This was so exciting- I began to feel like a real person again. Eggs had never tasted so good! I found a protein packed yogurt that was helpful in making sure my protein was up. These were tough weeks, as now I had somewhat solid foods and my body was trying to adjust. I also had a harder time getting my fluids in. 

During the past three weeks I tried hard to set a goal per week. I want to make sure I have developing a strong foundation to build upon as my journey continues. I have also become more active and am able to walk much, much more. I feel like I have so much freedom in my body. Now, after being off blood thinners for a few weeks, my energy has increased immensely. I have to remind myself that I don’t always have enough food in me to sustain the amount of energy I want to exert, and I think I’m moving toward a good balance. I am cleared to going swimming, and lol forward to sharing that again with my husband. 

Overall I am doing so great, and healing wonderfully. I wear my new scars on my tummy with pride, and feel so blessed I had the opportunity to have this surgery. I am worth it! Love you all and thank you for your continued prays and support!

Love,

Aleece

Keep Calm It’s Surgery Day

Surgery Day

This day was a bit of a blur. I went in very early for surgery, but luckily Shane and Mom were there with me. I got into my hospital gown (so fancy) and rubbery socks. A had a PIC line inserted to administer medication. This is when the waterworks started. I had been so brave, but for some weird reason this particular PIC line hurt me once it was in. The nurse felt horrible, but I assured her it wasn’t her fault. I just cried and cried. It must have been a moment of release for all the anxiety and fear that had built up over time. It was a good cry. Next I met with other nurses, had blood taken, and was wheeled off. I had been waiting for about two hours, but that time flew by. 

I was pleased to know my anesthesiologist was one I had met prior and trusted. My nurse in the OR had a beautiful French accent, and we walked into the operating room together.  I even think she called me a princess, so you can’t really go wrong there :-) In the corner I saw my doctor’s station- his arcade-esc style machine with the controls that would perform my operation. I saw lights and a tiny table that I would actually be lying on during surgery. They gave me very comfortable arm rests, which I imagine may have strapped my arms down during the procedure. I climbed up with a smile on my face. I trusted everyone around me and felt beyond blessed.

I don’t remember much about waking up. I did have a sore throat and a new nurse, “Miss Lynsey,” as I guess I called her. Around me were beeps, and tubes, and a curtain. I felt cozy and protected. No pain, and I was able to just rest. This recovery area held me for over 7 hours. I was perfectly fine, but there were no empty rooms for me to begin my ticket out of the hospital. Bariatric recovery and new mothers share a wing... and guess who had priority over rooms. So, I made myself at home in my little curtain cocoon. I’m sure I listened to “Elvis Christmas,” but no one can be sure, all we know is that I did get my headphones and eye mask. Miss Lynsey checked on me frequently and even made special arrangements for mom and Shane to see me. I was so grateful, as visitors aren’t really allowed there. However, I think this special circumstance would not have been debated. Shane assured me that I introduced them to all the nurses, and especially Miss Lynsey. During my stay tucked in the curtains, I did a lot of staring off into space, sleeping, and that’s all I can remember.

Finally, around 8pm I had a room! I would be staying one overnight at the hospital (at least) and now I had a place to see my family and get settled. The best thing was they brought me a portable toilet. Walking was still tricky, as I’m sure many meds were still pumping through my veins. I was able to have ice chips! It was a shared room, but had chairs for Shane and mom. I don’t remember if dad came that night or the next morning. I do remember beginning my clear liquid diet in the hospital. It was nice to have cold water on my sore throat. I feel asleep many times I attempted to drink, but my nurse was very patient and helpful, ( the one that got to stick around... the one who was banned from my room is a story for another post!)

I am still fuzzy on many details about my stay at the hospital, but I remember doing laps around the ward, and using the real toilet. I also may have made a few phone calls and texts while I was there... we called that “drunk dialing” back in the day. I also got beautiful flowers and stuffies from my aunt and uncle and Shane too. It was a nice stay, but I was ready to go home. Everything had gone so well, my operation, my recovery, and my response to drinking, walking, et all. We were ready to come home.

Mom, Dad, and Shane were amazing as they set me up at home. I am so blessed to have such a supportive family. I also had phone calls and texts, and thank you all for the prayers! 

That is all my mind remembers of my day one. I’ll update you soon on how recovery has gone these last couple of week soon!

Love you all and God Bless 🎉❤️🌸

Jan 17th 2019

It is 12:48 am, and I’ve already been exercising. I not only exacuated a good amount of fluid (in the toilet), but I also walked around our ward. I’m proud of myself, due to thee amount of pain I’m in. It’s craxy how much I actually do use my stomach muscles for everyday tasks. I seem to be progressing well- I think so anyway lol. I can only sleep 3-4 hrs at a time due to my new exercise schedule- that’s the walking around the ward I was telling you about. Therefore, not only am I loopy from some of the meds, I’m sleep depeov d too!


Thank you for all the comments and well wishes. My heart is so full ❤️

This place s Aleece,
And here’s to another new day 🎉

Surgery-Eve

Jan. 15th 2019

It’s surgery-eve! I have my bag packed, have my braids in, and am lying on fresh sheets. I’m just taking deep breaths now, telling myself, “I can do this!” And I can :) I am a little nervous... or a lot nervous, but so grateful for this surgery. I am looking forward to taking Memphis on walks, playing on the playground with Aubrey, walking through the grocery store, and taking a bath in our tub! These are just a few of my goals for the coming year. I well up with tears thinking about the excitement of this year, and know the hard work will be SO worth it. 

I check in early tomorrow with my folks and Shane. I will be allowed liquids until 2am, and am allowed to take my meds in the morning. Other than that, nothing but clear liquids after 8pm tonight. I have to use special soap tonight and tomorrow, and no lotions or perfumes. I assume they want everything as sterile as possible. I have new pajamas and a new bathrobe to take with me. I bought fuzzy pick flip-flops to match my robe... but they are so new they are a little slippery.... maybe I’ll bring them just for fashion ;)

In my bag I have a change of clothes, toiletries, a book, charger, iPad, Vaseline, hair ties, my robe, slippers, a blanket Shane made, and headphones. It’s at least one overnight, so I need to be prepared. I think I’ll use a picture of Aubrey as my bookmark, but part of me thinks I’ll be sleeping a lot. They definitely want me walking in the hospital to avoid blood clots and keep my lungs clear. Maybe I should bring something so I can sing? That should clear my lungs, lol. 

I just got positive thoughts and good vibes. May everything go according to plan, may the doctor get plenty of rest, and may everyone have a sense of peace as I go through the procedure.

Thank you again my friends and family! Love you so ❤️

Getting Excited!

Jan. 12th, 2019

We are inching closer and closer to my surgery date. I have completed my aftercare class, my preop appointment, my nutrition class, and my last appointment with my doctor. Everything is full steam ahead, and going really well. The more I learn, the more excited I become about my surgery. Not that I’m necessarily excited to have surgery, but I know that this is going to open a whole new world for me for the rest of my life. I’ve learned a lot about myself over this process, how to cope with the stress of the ups and downs from questioning my choices, to stalls in medical approved. Also, my own demons in my head about what it means for me to have bariatric surgery in the first place. I’m in a really good place right now, but there have been days where it’s hard. 

Currently, the doctor has asked me to do a liquid diet until surgery. I was anticipating this, so I stocked up on protein drinks, protein water, and Gatorade. I still have some shopping to do for right after surgery, I will be on a complete clear liquid diet for at least a week after surgery. I’ll be sipping from a small medicine cup, with the goal of 48 ounces of liquid a day. It is a little tricky been on a liquid diet, when your second year wedding anniversary falls right smack in the middle of it. I will allow myself just a little bit of something solid to eat on Sunday evening, but other than that everything has just been super, protein drinks, water, Gatorade… Pretty much anything liquidy and of course chewing on ice. I know some of you may cringe at that comment, but I love it LOL. My doctor also said that I could have the small chipped ice from sonic After surgery, so that is a definite plus. 

I found a diagram of my surgery, that I thought would be interesting for everyone to see. It’s not graphic, it’s a cartoon and you’ll see it below this post. The first picture shows where they will remove part of my stomach and also cut part of my intestine up by my stomach . The second picture shows what my stomach will look like after surgery, part of my lower intestine will be attached to my stomach. I also found out that the doctor has decided to take out my gallbladder. I didn’t originally intend on having my gallbladder removed, but I do have a fairly large gall stone and this saves me a trip to the emergency room. 

I will try to update at least once a week on each phase of my recovery. I may even write something from my hospital bed, so we will see how coherent or silly that post will end up.

Each day my emotions change, today I’ve had a great day, yesterday was tough, and we’ll see what tomorrow brings. I just keep having a positive outlook, and believing in myself. I know people out there have been praying for me, that must be how I am getting all of this strength. Thank you again so much for all of your support! It absolutely means the world to me :-) God bless and have a beautiful weekend.

Getting Closer

 Jan. 6th, 2019

The date is getting closer and closer for me to have any surgery. I’ve had one appointment so far that has taught me about pre-surgery care post-op care, mostly just the medical aspect of things-medicine and letting your sterri strips fall off when they’re ready. It was invigorating I have to admit, in those luls between appointments I get a little apprehensive about if this is the right thing to do. Then I see the other people who are in the same boat and I appreciate their journey. It makes me appreciate my own.

In the midst of getting ready for surgery, I was encouraged to join several online forums to talk about what it’s all going to be late. One of the things that I have noticed on these groups is a lot of before and after photographs. It’ll show the person before the surgery and the person drastically smaller. I think that encouragement is great for that community. However, as someone who has struggled with eating disorders most of her life, those before and after pictures are almost poison.   I don’t mean to be overdramatic, but the reality is I can’t allow this surgery to be about what I look like. I can’t focus on the size of my body as it changes, I can’t measure my thighs and my waist and my chest and my hips, I can’t allow this tool that is intended to help me have a better life, drive me off the cliff in a matter of words. I’ve struggled with anorexia, bulimia, and also binging. This is something that will unfortunately follow me my entire life, and having my body change so drastically, so quickly causes me to be aware that I am susceptible to falling back into old patterns. So I don’t want to take away from the victory of those sharing before and after pictures, but I do have to avoid looking at them.

Do I want to look in the mirror and see the person I’m used to seeing, of course I do.  I want to see “myself. “But regardless of my outside, I’m still me. I keep my focus on the nutrition aspect, and the mobility aspect. Those are my goals. Although, I will definitely relish the opportunity to slide into a pair of jeans that I couldn’t wear prior to the surgery. It’s all a matter of balance, anything for me that is the story of my life. I am on this earth to learn balance for my life, and I think even with this procedure I can do the same thing. It’s OK for me to like what I see when I start losing weight, but I can’t allow myself to fixate on the body aspect. I also wanted to mention, that I am going to be adding a couple different types of blog entries but I will label them so that if it’s not something that interests you I a I will definitely relish the opportunity to slide into a pair of jeans that I couldn’t wear prayer for the surgery. It’s all matter balance.

For me, that is the story of my life. I am on this earth to learn balance for my life, and I think even with this procedure I can do the same thing. It’s OK for me to like what I see when I start losing weight, but I can’t allow myself to fixate on the body aspect.

I also wanted to mention, that I am going to be adding a couple different types of blog entries but I will lable them. I have some folks who are interested in my journey with PCOS, and those who it may make a little squeamish, LOL. So I will always label those entries. I thank you so much for your support, and I definitely need your good vibes and prayers more than ever as the days get closer and closer to January 16th. Your kind words, your support, anytime you reach out just to say hi it really really means a lot to me. Thank you guys so much :-) I hope you’ve all had a beautiful holiday.

God’s Generosity (A Devotion)

In the midst of this surgery, one of the things that I hav yet to do is ask God if this is right for me. I think it’s easy to assume that because doors are open, God wants you to walk through them. But, I think also we have to have the wisdom to discern which doors God is calling us through. I only have but mere days before my procedure and so I decided instead of asking a friend instead of ignoring my thoughts, that I would dive into some kind of devotion and the Bible. 

First I grabbed the Bible and then I grabbed Free of Charge.

It’s a book that I was assigned to read in graduate school and absolutely fell in love with. I recommend it to anyone especially those of the Christian faith. I recommend to non-Christians because I think it’s a better reflection of what Christianity is. I think it’s a better reflection of what Jesus calls of us. Originally I was going to skim book, looking at just the portions I had highlighted but instead I decided to read it cover to cover. One of the things that stood out to me tonight is “we are saved by God‘s generosity. “ I simmered on that thought for a moment. As I look around my bedroom I come to the realization that everything I have is through God‘s generosity, not because I work hard enough to get it or my dad was able to provide it for me, but God was generous enough to allow me to have the things that I have.

I’ve always had this vision in my head of being successful and married and have a huge house and many children by the time that I reach 35. This story is a story, the reality is much different. I dream about moving into a bigger nicer home, though homeownership is out of our reach due to my student loans. But reading this quote, it dawned on me that God is being generous and allowing me to focus on my health, without having to worry about money. So, God is sending down generosity and yet I would, instead of looking at what he is generously providing for my family, I’m looking in a different direction wanting more. It was just a wake up call, that although I was seeking answers for a different question I think that the reminder to be grateful and thankful for God‘s enormous generosity that surrounds every bit of my home. It’s not just the things, it’s the doctors, it’s my family, it’s my dog Memphis. 

God is pouring out generosity to me at this moment in time, but what does that mean for other people? What does that mean for other people who are not in the situation that I am in. Why is God and not showing on the same generosity, because the whole point of this book is that were saved by grace and not deed. So it’s not that I am a “good person” and therefore I get things. I suppose that pondering is better left for another day.