Nov. 20th, 2012
The time has come, actually the time is WAY over due. I need to lose some weight. I absolutely HATE talking about weight; its more than just dropping some lbs, I have a history of eating disorders so losing weight has to be a delicate balance. I have to take safe steps forward without going overboard one way or the other. WW is a great tool for me, and I plan on using that. Also, I have a Wii and LOVE the dancing game I have. But, I have to start slow, because it is very easy for me to get out of control and restrict myself and take things to far. Baby steps, small changes...this is what I'm going for.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Tears
Nov. 18th, 2012
Tears constantly pour down my face.
A race it seems to reach my neck
and drench my face in misery.
I keep my eyes shut when I awake.
I take those frozen dreamy moments
and stretch them, floating in a sort of purgatory.
Fists clenched and tight at every moment
Oh, meant to protect myself when the time comes
again. I am not safe from evil or fate.
(Work in progress/progrief)
Tears constantly pour down my face.
A race it seems to reach my neck
and drench my face in misery.
I keep my eyes shut when I awake.
I take those frozen dreamy moments
and stretch them, floating in a sort of purgatory.
Fists clenched and tight at every moment
Oh, meant to protect myself when the time comes
again. I am not safe from evil or fate.
(Work in progress/progrief)
Friday, November 16, 2012
This Life
Nov. 16th, 2012
I still instinctively begin to write "October" when the date is needed. Either that month went by way to fast or my November has been so unbelievable; I'm thinking a little of both.
PCOS Update:
I will be needing another D&C, but the Dr is hoping to do the procedure in the office. I am no so sure about this. I have only had 2 pelvic exams and neither of them went very well...not really sure how the Dr is going to be able to access what she needs to during my freak-out. I don't know why the pelvic is so difficult for me, maybe it is for everyone until they've had a child - then maybe the discomfort is bearable? I guess I am still healing from the initial D&C because today I have been in Vicodin-level pain. Usually I get the terrible lower abdominal pain when I lift something heavy, but I haven't lifted or moved anything heavy since Cole passed.
It feels like the worst cramps I have ever had, and nothing eases the pain...until I fall asleep from the Vicodin. I wonder how much longer I will be in pain from the D&C. I've talking to a couple of PCOS support groups, but they are hard for me to be a part of; everyone on those sites is married and trying to get pregnant. But what about us single girls dealing with stuff...where is our group?
It feels lonely to have such specific issues: D&C w/o pregnancy, not trying to get pregnant, can not be on hormone therapy, high estrogen levels...I really feel alone sometimes. I'm sure somewhere someone out there is like me, but I haven't found them. It's hard to know what is ok, or normal, or when all of this will end. (P.S. I'm still bleeding)
PRAYERS:
Just for life and hope. My life is turmoil, I have lost so much this year...I have experienced so much pain it is hard to want to go on. God is providing VERY few answers and NO peace of mind. I don't know why his plan for me was such stress and pain...should I get used to this? Is this the pattern for my future? And if not, how do I find a reason to want to be a part of a plan that continues to dissipation and hurt me. I'm at a loss. I can argue most things theologically, but I can't figure this life out. I don't want this life.
~A
I still instinctively begin to write "October" when the date is needed. Either that month went by way to fast or my November has been so unbelievable; I'm thinking a little of both.
PCOS Update:
I will be needing another D&C, but the Dr is hoping to do the procedure in the office. I am no so sure about this. I have only had 2 pelvic exams and neither of them went very well...not really sure how the Dr is going to be able to access what she needs to during my freak-out. I don't know why the pelvic is so difficult for me, maybe it is for everyone until they've had a child - then maybe the discomfort is bearable? I guess I am still healing from the initial D&C because today I have been in Vicodin-level pain. Usually I get the terrible lower abdominal pain when I lift something heavy, but I haven't lifted or moved anything heavy since Cole passed.
It feels like the worst cramps I have ever had, and nothing eases the pain...until I fall asleep from the Vicodin. I wonder how much longer I will be in pain from the D&C. I've talking to a couple of PCOS support groups, but they are hard for me to be a part of; everyone on those sites is married and trying to get pregnant. But what about us single girls dealing with stuff...where is our group?
It feels lonely to have such specific issues: D&C w/o pregnancy, not trying to get pregnant, can not be on hormone therapy, high estrogen levels...I really feel alone sometimes. I'm sure somewhere someone out there is like me, but I haven't found them. It's hard to know what is ok, or normal, or when all of this will end. (P.S. I'm still bleeding)
PRAYERS:
Just for life and hope. My life is turmoil, I have lost so much this year...I have experienced so much pain it is hard to want to go on. God is providing VERY few answers and NO peace of mind. I don't know why his plan for me was such stress and pain...should I get used to this? Is this the pattern for my future? And if not, how do I find a reason to want to be a part of a plan that continues to dissipation and hurt me. I'm at a loss. I can argue most things theologically, but I can't figure this life out. I don't want this life.
~A
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tough
Nov. 14th, 2012
Today was tough. It would have been Cole's 2nd birthday, and I think Roxy is beginning to notice him missing. She has been very whiny. Nothing we do calms her down, although she does finally settle if invited on the couch. We are all feeling the void left by Coley. I don't like sleeping in the guest bed waking up without him.
He's not the only boy that is missing from my heart. I am still trying to deal living without Adam. It is not as strong as a pain as the pain I have for missing Cole, but man did Adam get himself twisted up in my heart.
I hate being vulnerable, I hate waiting, and I HATE not being in control; the more life I live, the more I realize life is about being vulnerable, waiting, and relinquishing control.
Here is to another lonely night, my God bless me with as many happy ones,
~A
Today was tough. It would have been Cole's 2nd birthday, and I think Roxy is beginning to notice him missing. She has been very whiny. Nothing we do calms her down, although she does finally settle if invited on the couch. We are all feeling the void left by Coley. I don't like sleeping in the guest bed waking up without him.
He's not the only boy that is missing from my heart. I am still trying to deal living without Adam. It is not as strong as a pain as the pain I have for missing Cole, but man did Adam get himself twisted up in my heart.
I hate being vulnerable, I hate waiting, and I HATE not being in control; the more life I live, the more I realize life is about being vulnerable, waiting, and relinquishing control.
Here is to another lonely night, my God bless me with as many happy ones,
~A
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Temper and Fuse
Nov. 13th, 2012
Man am I angry today. Every little thing sets me off. I am just angry. I know it is my mourning turning into rage. But boy, I haven't had this kind of anger. Not much to say...don't want to dig a hole I can't get out of. Temper and fuse...I am trying to control it, but holy smoke its hard. And it doesn't take much to set me off either. Some serious anger. Its better if I just don't talk I think, or interact with many people at the moment - cause honestly I can't hold my tongue right now.
-A
Man am I angry today. Every little thing sets me off. I am just angry. I know it is my mourning turning into rage. But boy, I haven't had this kind of anger. Not much to say...don't want to dig a hole I can't get out of. Temper and fuse...I am trying to control it, but holy smoke its hard. And it doesn't take much to set me off either. Some serious anger. Its better if I just don't talk I think, or interact with many people at the moment - cause honestly I can't hold my tongue right now.
-A
Monday, November 12, 2012
He was my world
Nov. 12th, 2012
It is with the heaviest of hearts and a cascade of tears that I tell you all my precious Cole is gone. My puppy, Coltrane, was the light of my life, and now lives in the clouds with the angels. He was one of the most amazing creatures to ever grace God's Earth. He loved everyone and was loved by everyone; I still find it hard not to smile when I look at his pictures. He was hyper, and silly, jumpy, and patient, lovable, and loyal - the greatest dog I have ever known.
About two years ago I suffered a nervous breakdown. It was the scariest thing that has ever overtaken my body. I was afraid of life, the outdoors, other people, and open spaces. I wanted to hide - I wanted to die. It was the deepest depression of my life to date. One of the places I found refuge was my Gramma and Aunt's home; this is where I met Cole.
My Aunt's dog gave birth to 9 puppies during this time. I met the puppies while they were still "baking" in the "oven" weeks before my severe depressive episode and knew our family would be taking home a puppy from this litter. I was determined to have a little girl puppy to call my own. Sure enough, on Nov. 14th 2010 a beautiful little girl, later to be named "Roxy" was born.
I visited the puppies about 2 and a half weeks after they were born, and although I knew I was taking home a little girl puppy in a few weeks, one precious boy melted my heart. He was black and white - just beautiful, with a little pink nose and the softest paws. He had light eyes and loved to cuddle. A few weeks later I visited my Gramma and Aunt and was faced to faced with this sweet little boy once again.
I begged my mom and dad to bring two puppies home instead of one. They miraculously agreed - must have been my impeccable negotiating skills. But really, I just knew I wanted Cole - at this early time we had already bonded. His name, I thought so LONG and hard about his name. He had to have a jazz name, with such a cool look. One of my favorite movies was "Mr. Holland's Opus," and he had named his son after the jazz sax player John Coltrane. COLTRANE! That was it, that was his name. I know many people to this day have a hard time relating that big name to a wiggly little dog, but I just knew that was his name. Cole for short.
I had visited the puppies almost every two weeks since they were born. I was still dealing with crippling depression along with several other issues. I slept often during my visits. When I would get up from my lengthy nap, the puppies would usually be taking their evening nap, all except for Cole. Like clockwork every day he was the only puppy awake when I would enter the living room; I believe he sensed something in me. I would scoop him up and lay him on my chest. We would play a little, he would chew on my hair, snuggle up in my neck, and quickly fall asleep. He loved to sleep on me ;)
Cole was my rehabilitation from depression during that time in my life. He was my world. I fed him (and Roxy of course), bathed him, walked him, took him to puppy kindergarten, taught him tricks, potty trained him, and sang him to sleep. He was my world. He gave me strength to leave the house, he made me smile when my heart was hurting, he gave me unconditional love when I felt I was alone and unloved. He was my world.
During his two years on this Earth, Coltrane was my rock - the love of my life. I cried so many times on his shoulder. He would sniff my tears and kiss my cheeks. Although he may not have understood crying, he knew I needed him and was completely devoted to me. I have never loved anything like I loved Cole. I made the hour trip often to see him when Mom and Dad moved. He and I did my first 5K together, trained for it together, and visited the puppy park to play. I could go on and on about this animal...but this post is getting long.
Cole was my hope. He was my love. And he was my world. When life hurt and threw me curve balls, he was always there to show me that at least one being loved me no matter what. He made me smile in the darkest times, and helped me to experience pure love. I will miss my precious puppy so deeply. I don't know when the grieving will stop, but I know I never want the memories to go away. The vet gave us a paw impression the day he was put to sleep, and it brings me so much comfort.
To me, he was the greatest dog in the world. He was my world and I will never forget him.
Goodnight my baby boy, rest well, and enjoy the beaches in Heaven.
I Love You,
Your Mama CeeBee
It is with the heaviest of hearts and a cascade of tears that I tell you all my precious Cole is gone. My puppy, Coltrane, was the light of my life, and now lives in the clouds with the angels. He was one of the most amazing creatures to ever grace God's Earth. He loved everyone and was loved by everyone; I still find it hard not to smile when I look at his pictures. He was hyper, and silly, jumpy, and patient, lovable, and loyal - the greatest dog I have ever known.
About two years ago I suffered a nervous breakdown. It was the scariest thing that has ever overtaken my body. I was afraid of life, the outdoors, other people, and open spaces. I wanted to hide - I wanted to die. It was the deepest depression of my life to date. One of the places I found refuge was my Gramma and Aunt's home; this is where I met Cole.
My Aunt's dog gave birth to 9 puppies during this time. I met the puppies while they were still "baking" in the "oven" weeks before my severe depressive episode and knew our family would be taking home a puppy from this litter. I was determined to have a little girl puppy to call my own. Sure enough, on Nov. 14th 2010 a beautiful little girl, later to be named "Roxy" was born.
I visited the puppies about 2 and a half weeks after they were born, and although I knew I was taking home a little girl puppy in a few weeks, one precious boy melted my heart. He was black and white - just beautiful, with a little pink nose and the softest paws. He had light eyes and loved to cuddle. A few weeks later I visited my Gramma and Aunt and was faced to faced with this sweet little boy once again.
I begged my mom and dad to bring two puppies home instead of one. They miraculously agreed - must have been my impeccable negotiating skills. But really, I just knew I wanted Cole - at this early time we had already bonded. His name, I thought so LONG and hard about his name. He had to have a jazz name, with such a cool look. One of my favorite movies was "Mr. Holland's Opus," and he had named his son after the jazz sax player John Coltrane. COLTRANE! That was it, that was his name. I know many people to this day have a hard time relating that big name to a wiggly little dog, but I just knew that was his name. Cole for short.
I had visited the puppies almost every two weeks since they were born. I was still dealing with crippling depression along with several other issues. I slept often during my visits. When I would get up from my lengthy nap, the puppies would usually be taking their evening nap, all except for Cole. Like clockwork every day he was the only puppy awake when I would enter the living room; I believe he sensed something in me. I would scoop him up and lay him on my chest. We would play a little, he would chew on my hair, snuggle up in my neck, and quickly fall asleep. He loved to sleep on me ;)
Cole was my rehabilitation from depression during that time in my life. He was my world. I fed him (and Roxy of course), bathed him, walked him, took him to puppy kindergarten, taught him tricks, potty trained him, and sang him to sleep. He was my world. He gave me strength to leave the house, he made me smile when my heart was hurting, he gave me unconditional love when I felt I was alone and unloved. He was my world.
During his two years on this Earth, Coltrane was my rock - the love of my life. I cried so many times on his shoulder. He would sniff my tears and kiss my cheeks. Although he may not have understood crying, he knew I needed him and was completely devoted to me. I have never loved anything like I loved Cole. I made the hour trip often to see him when Mom and Dad moved. He and I did my first 5K together, trained for it together, and visited the puppy park to play. I could go on and on about this animal...but this post is getting long.
Cole was my hope. He was my love. And he was my world. When life hurt and threw me curve balls, he was always there to show me that at least one being loved me no matter what. He made me smile in the darkest times, and helped me to experience pure love. I will miss my precious puppy so deeply. I don't know when the grieving will stop, but I know I never want the memories to go away. The vet gave us a paw impression the day he was put to sleep, and it brings me so much comfort.
To me, he was the greatest dog in the world. He was my world and I will never forget him.
Goodnight my baby boy, rest well, and enjoy the beaches in Heaven.
I Love You,
Your Mama CeeBee
Friday, November 2, 2012
All I can do is wait...
Nov. 2nd, 2012
It feels like everything is falling down around me. Right now I am in a state of numbness dealing with Cole being sick. I can't even let myself feel right now. All my medical issues seem so unimportant. All my energy is focused on him. I need him to be OK. I feel so out of control. This is a really hard, sad, and dark time for me. All I can do is wait.
It feels like everything is falling down around me. Right now I am in a state of numbness dealing with Cole being sick. I can't even let myself feel right now. All my medical issues seem so unimportant. All my energy is focused on him. I need him to be OK. I feel so out of control. This is a really hard, sad, and dark time for me. All I can do is wait.
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