This Life

Nov. 16th, 2012

I still instinctively begin to write "October" when the date is needed. Either that month went by way to fast or my November has been so unbelievable; I'm thinking a little of both.

PCOS Update:
I will be needing another D&C, but the Dr is hoping to do the procedure in the office. I am no so sure about this. I have only had 2 pelvic exams and neither of them went very well...not really sure how the Dr is going to be able to access what she needs to during my freak-out. I don't know why the pelvic is so difficult for me, maybe it is for everyone until they've had a child - then maybe the discomfort is bearable? I guess I am still healing from the initial D&C because today I have been in Vicodin-level pain. Usually I get the terrible lower abdominal pain when I lift something heavy, but I haven't lifted or moved anything heavy since Cole passed.

It feels like the worst cramps I have ever had, and nothing eases the pain...until I fall asleep from the Vicodin.  I wonder how much longer I will be in pain from the D&C. I've talking to a couple of PCOS support groups, but they are hard for me to be a part of; everyone on those sites is married and trying to get pregnant. But what about us single girls dealing with stuff...where is our group?

It feels lonely to have such specific issues: D&C w/o pregnancy, not trying to get pregnant, can not be on hormone therapy, high estrogen levels...I really feel alone sometimes. I'm sure somewhere someone out there is like me, but I haven't found them. It's hard to know what is ok, or normal, or when all of this will end. (P.S. I'm still bleeding)

PRAYERS:
Just for life and hope. My life is turmoil, I have lost so much this year...I have experienced so much pain it is hard to want to go on. God is providing VERY few answers and NO peace of mind. I don't know why his plan for me was such stress and pain...should I get used to this? Is this the pattern for my future? And if not, how do I find a reason to want to be a part of a plan that continues to dissipation and hurt me. I'm at a loss. I can argue most things theologically, but I can't figure this life out. I don't want this life.

~A