Oct. 29. 2012
WOW. What a great day. I am seriously surprised. I had a terrible nights sleep, so I ended up sleeping until 2 this afternoon. But, I got up, was really positive and cleaned my apartment! It has been such a mess for SO long, this last year hasn't left me much time to keep my place in order. But today I accomplished SO much. Not only cleaning up, but organizing, purging crap, and hanging things. I feel really good about all that got done today.
I'm sure it seems silly to be so happy and proud of myself to get this place in order, but my life has been so much grieving lately that having any effort to be productive is a victory.
I am still trying to figure out how to be OK with not being with Adam anymore. I don't want to get too into that in this post, because today has been great and I don't want to be sad about him right this second, lol. And then, my poor dog Coltrane was diagnosed with hydrocephalus- swelling of the brain due to infection, virus, cancer...we don't know why yet. So trying to juggle school, medical responsibilities, school, and getting my place cleaned up has been hard when I am an hour from my house holding my sweet baby boy. It has been really hard to watch him struggle, but all I can do is pray for him and make his life full of love. He is my last little ray of sunshine (the other two being my Gramma and Adam). I need him here, so feel free to say a quick prayer for my sweet puppy boy.
Today was just the rest my mind needed from all the stress (I hate that word) surrounding my life right now.
I am in some pain in my lower abdomen...my uteran area ;) due to the D&C. When I lift or move anything heavy, it hurts my stomach SO bad. I don't really know why, but I am not supposed to be lifting or moving anything for 4-6weeks after the procedure; It's been 5 weeks so I thought I would be OK. I never did ask my Dr. why it hurts so bad when I lift something heavy, maybe do to the uterus healing? I'm assuming this is why...any other suggestions welcomed.
Well, I'm now off to relax with a midterm and some research. Keep those prayers coming...cause they are working.
Love you all you guys,
Aleece
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
The only one?
Oct. 28th, 2012
I had an appointment Friday that terrified me. It was related to my D&C. A week ago I inquired about the continual bleeding I have been experiencing since the procedure. In an email response my Dr. said I could be bleeding for up to 6 weeks and that we would go over the results of my biopsy the following week. This scared the crap out of me. Why wouldn't she tell me the results then? Why hadn't she posted them on "MyChart?" I freaked out. I messaged friends asking for prayer because I didn't understand why good news would need to be discussed in person. That is because the new was complicated.
I am fine, no cancer, no pre-cancer, no abnormal cells. But, the lining of my uterus was SO thick. For example, the inside of your uterus should look like an open cave that gets darker in the distance; open and clear. My uterus looked like a cotton candy machine - pink fluff ever where. I believe the Dr. said there was even lining growning on my cervix. There were also large forms of cell called polyps all over the place, several removed because they could be seen, some on my cervix, and some found inside all the tissue they removed. This could have been a terribly bad thing, but all my extra lining was healthy.
My personal thought on this extra thick lining is because my body wants a baby so bad it just keeps making lining for something to stick, but when lining is too thick an egg wont attach anyway...but I digress.
A brief sigh of relief was followed by the news that in 3 months I will need another D&C. Healthy - yes....am I done with bleeding, pain and procedures - no. I could still be bleeding for up to 6 MONTHS. Yes, ANOTHER 6 months. At that point I will have had a period for over a year. Ladies, remind yourself of this when you are in the agony of cramps.
I have mixed emotions about all of this. It is very hard for me to find other people like me....young, single, no miscarriage, not trying to get pregnant, can't have hormones, etc. I am hoping this blog will reach people in my same situation, cause right now I know I feel like the only person going through this.
Prayers and Thoughts appreciated,
A
I had an appointment Friday that terrified me. It was related to my D&C. A week ago I inquired about the continual bleeding I have been experiencing since the procedure. In an email response my Dr. said I could be bleeding for up to 6 weeks and that we would go over the results of my biopsy the following week. This scared the crap out of me. Why wouldn't she tell me the results then? Why hadn't she posted them on "MyChart?" I freaked out. I messaged friends asking for prayer because I didn't understand why good news would need to be discussed in person. That is because the new was complicated.
I am fine, no cancer, no pre-cancer, no abnormal cells. But, the lining of my uterus was SO thick. For example, the inside of your uterus should look like an open cave that gets darker in the distance; open and clear. My uterus looked like a cotton candy machine - pink fluff ever where. I believe the Dr. said there was even lining growning on my cervix. There were also large forms of cell called polyps all over the place, several removed because they could be seen, some on my cervix, and some found inside all the tissue they removed. This could have been a terribly bad thing, but all my extra lining was healthy.
My personal thought on this extra thick lining is because my body wants a baby so bad it just keeps making lining for something to stick, but when lining is too thick an egg wont attach anyway...but I digress.
A brief sigh of relief was followed by the news that in 3 months I will need another D&C. Healthy - yes....am I done with bleeding, pain and procedures - no. I could still be bleeding for up to 6 MONTHS. Yes, ANOTHER 6 months. At that point I will have had a period for over a year. Ladies, remind yourself of this when you are in the agony of cramps.
I have mixed emotions about all of this. It is very hard for me to find other people like me....young, single, no miscarriage, not trying to get pregnant, can't have hormones, etc. I am hoping this blog will reach people in my same situation, cause right now I know I feel like the only person going through this.
Prayers and Thoughts appreciated,
A
Sunday, October 21, 2012
29
Oct. 21, 2012
I am 29 years old. That seems so strange to say. There are so many things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 29. Nothing like travel the world, or skydive; I wanted to be able to say I had a family. I wanted to be able to share what pregnancy was like, what my wedding and honeymoon were like, and buying my first home. I wanted to have met my soul-mate. This is not my life. My life now is not what I ever thought it would be.
I have said that last phrase over the last 5 or so years. I wonder when I will stop saying that. Or follow it up with, "it's better." I share this not to portray a mood of sadness, but in a weird way a mood of hope. I still desperately want a family, a husband, a home. And I can say today that I have hope those things will come. But who am I kidding, I would LOVE for them to bump into me at Target today, lol. Life never comes quick enough for me.
For example, I have a post-op appointment with my Dr. on Friday. This appointment cannot come soon enough. We will be discussing the results from my biopsy - they took the samples from the D&C/poylp removal and had them tested. I am DYING for the results. LOL, probably shouldn't have said "dying" in full caps...sorry ;P. My Dr. said we will discuss my results in person. Yeah, my mind has been going crazy. I just try not to think about it, and have many people praying for me so I think that has helped me be less anxious.
So here I am, starting out 29 with a broken relationship and medical news. Wonderful, lol. I am trying to be positive though. I have confided in several friends and am getting stronger emotionally from their comfort and support. This is gonna be a good year. I don't know what to expect honestly, my plans are not typically honored by God, so we will just have to wait and see.
God Bless you all you guys, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I need it.
Loves,
A
I am 29 years old. That seems so strange to say. There are so many things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 29. Nothing like travel the world, or skydive; I wanted to be able to say I had a family. I wanted to be able to share what pregnancy was like, what my wedding and honeymoon were like, and buying my first home. I wanted to have met my soul-mate. This is not my life. My life now is not what I ever thought it would be.
I have said that last phrase over the last 5 or so years. I wonder when I will stop saying that. Or follow it up with, "it's better." I share this not to portray a mood of sadness, but in a weird way a mood of hope. I still desperately want a family, a husband, a home. And I can say today that I have hope those things will come. But who am I kidding, I would LOVE for them to bump into me at Target today, lol. Life never comes quick enough for me.
For example, I have a post-op appointment with my Dr. on Friday. This appointment cannot come soon enough. We will be discussing the results from my biopsy - they took the samples from the D&C/poylp removal and had them tested. I am DYING for the results. LOL, probably shouldn't have said "dying" in full caps...sorry ;P. My Dr. said we will discuss my results in person. Yeah, my mind has been going crazy. I just try not to think about it, and have many people praying for me so I think that has helped me be less anxious.
So here I am, starting out 29 with a broken relationship and medical news. Wonderful, lol. I am trying to be positive though. I have confided in several friends and am getting stronger emotionally from their comfort and support. This is gonna be a good year. I don't know what to expect honestly, my plans are not typically honored by God, so we will just have to wait and see.
God Bless you all you guys, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I need it.
Loves,
A
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Meantime
Oct. 15th, 2012
I know I have referenced the breakup, but I don't know if I really want to talk about it yet. He is still on my mind constantly. I am starting to become numb to the pain...I am figuring out how to re-direct my mind so that I don't feel the hurt within my soul. But my thoughts are still fixed to see what would bring brightness to his world; my eyes see what would delight him. He always said I made him so happy...
I thanked God in so many moments with him, so many moments. Just so grateful that I had this incredible man who cared for me. Life was making sense.
And now, with part of me missing, I have to wake up everyday and move forward - without the person I want to be living for.
God's timing is supposed to be perfect...but in the meantime, what does He mean for us to do with the hurt?
~A
I know I have referenced the breakup, but I don't know if I really want to talk about it yet. He is still on my mind constantly. I am starting to become numb to the pain...I am figuring out how to re-direct my mind so that I don't feel the hurt within my soul. But my thoughts are still fixed to see what would bring brightness to his world; my eyes see what would delight him. He always said I made him so happy...
I thanked God in so many moments with him, so many moments. Just so grateful that I had this incredible man who cared for me. Life was making sense.
And now, with part of me missing, I have to wake up everyday and move forward - without the person I want to be living for.
God's timing is supposed to be perfect...but in the meantime, what does He mean for us to do with the hurt?
~A
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Time to stop
Oct. 14th, 2012
Sometimes I just have to tell myself to stop. Whether I am watching youtube videos for hours on end, or freaking out about something I can't control; Sometimes I just have to stop. I often get fixated on things and want to know everything about that particular thing (famous people, religions, crafting, etc.), today I became fixated on fertility. I just finally had to stop myself because all the researching just fueled the "rabbit hole." This is a term one my therapists uses to describe those times when I continue to fuel a fixation or fear- don't indulge the rabbit hole.
Fertility is something I am very scared and worried about. I wasn't for a long time...and maybe because Adam brought that hope back to me that I might get to have a family...maybe that's why I now so fixated on it. I mean, I also had the D&C, polyp removal, and IUD put in...these are all ways to treat my PCOS and plan for fertility in the future. But I wonder...what really are my chances. I am not a typical person with PCOS...I can't take hormones. Hormones are what treat fertility...so if I can't have those what am I going to do? Uhg...see I just keep racing and racing around about my fear. "Give it to God," ok, really? Let's have your greatest hope on a high wire, then you can give me advice about God.
That is a whole 'nother issue. I continue to lose faith that my life really matters to God. I get that I'm part of His great plan...yada, yada, yada...but what about my plan? I have a great plan too, and it isn't for riches or fame...it is for a family. That is all I ever wanted. What is He doing with me? I've failed over and over again since HS...and all I have are papers to show for it. Again...here I go indulging in the rabbit hole.
I do have writing and my music. And I do have pretty wonderful people in my life. Adam always encouraged me to look at the blessings I do have instead of the blessings I don't. He's right. I still consider him a blessing I have, even if I don't have him.
Prayers for healing and good sleep would be appreciated.
Love You,
A
Sometimes I just have to tell myself to stop. Whether I am watching youtube videos for hours on end, or freaking out about something I can't control; Sometimes I just have to stop. I often get fixated on things and want to know everything about that particular thing (famous people, religions, crafting, etc.), today I became fixated on fertility. I just finally had to stop myself because all the researching just fueled the "rabbit hole." This is a term one my therapists uses to describe those times when I continue to fuel a fixation or fear- don't indulge the rabbit hole.
Fertility is something I am very scared and worried about. I wasn't for a long time...and maybe because Adam brought that hope back to me that I might get to have a family...maybe that's why I now so fixated on it. I mean, I also had the D&C, polyp removal, and IUD put in...these are all ways to treat my PCOS and plan for fertility in the future. But I wonder...what really are my chances. I am not a typical person with PCOS...I can't take hormones. Hormones are what treat fertility...so if I can't have those what am I going to do? Uhg...see I just keep racing and racing around about my fear. "Give it to God," ok, really? Let's have your greatest hope on a high wire, then you can give me advice about God.
That is a whole 'nother issue. I continue to lose faith that my life really matters to God. I get that I'm part of His great plan...yada, yada, yada...but what about my plan? I have a great plan too, and it isn't for riches or fame...it is for a family. That is all I ever wanted. What is He doing with me? I've failed over and over again since HS...and all I have are papers to show for it. Again...here I go indulging in the rabbit hole.
I do have writing and my music. And I do have pretty wonderful people in my life. Adam always encouraged me to look at the blessings I do have instead of the blessings I don't. He's right. I still consider him a blessing I have, even if I don't have him.
Prayers for healing and good sleep would be appreciated.
Love You,
A
Saturday, October 13, 2012
I can still hope
Oct. 13th, 2012
(Again)
I wrote so late last night that it was actually today....you get it ;)
Not much going on today...had a rough time sleeping last night and then of course I was awake during Adam's lunch break...that was a horrible temptation. But, I was strong and kept busy. I was in a lot of pain today. I am not supposed to be lifting anything heavy for another couple of weeks, but I didn't realize packing my car with clothes, my C-PAP, computer, make-up, and backpack would be too heavy to lift without getting hurt. Yup, I was wrong and in CRAZY pain once I got to the house I am house-sitting fore. Ended up having to take a Vicodin, which made things MUCH butter. But I have to say I was really sluggish today...and very sleepy. I didn't nap, but really wanted to. I watched a couple of videos online, actually had lunch and dinner which is huge, and moped over Adam. A nice day actually, LOL.
Now it's night time, and the nights have been the hardest since not being with Adam anymore. No late-night phone calls, no movies and cuddles, no companion. Just me. In the quite. I HATE the quite; those times are filled with my mind wandering, and right now I just want my mind of be focused.
I did have a little epiphany today...just because Adam doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I have to give up on my hope for a family someday. I'm sure that sounds obvious, but it wasn't for me. I was so fixated on, "This is who I want, and this is how I want my life to happen." I have to allow myself to hope for a new future, without Adam but still with my dream of a family.
Needing some prayer for hope, direction, and drive. I am still hurt so deep, but trying to move forward.
God Bless,
~A
(Again)
I wrote so late last night that it was actually today....you get it ;)
Not much going on today...had a rough time sleeping last night and then of course I was awake during Adam's lunch break...that was a horrible temptation. But, I was strong and kept busy. I was in a lot of pain today. I am not supposed to be lifting anything heavy for another couple of weeks, but I didn't realize packing my car with clothes, my C-PAP, computer, make-up, and backpack would be too heavy to lift without getting hurt. Yup, I was wrong and in CRAZY pain once I got to the house I am house-sitting fore. Ended up having to take a Vicodin, which made things MUCH butter. But I have to say I was really sluggish today...and very sleepy. I didn't nap, but really wanted to. I watched a couple of videos online, actually had lunch and dinner which is huge, and moped over Adam. A nice day actually, LOL.
Now it's night time, and the nights have been the hardest since not being with Adam anymore. No late-night phone calls, no movies and cuddles, no companion. Just me. In the quite. I HATE the quite; those times are filled with my mind wandering, and right now I just want my mind of be focused.
I did have a little epiphany today...just because Adam doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I have to give up on my hope for a family someday. I'm sure that sounds obvious, but it wasn't for me. I was so fixated on, "This is who I want, and this is how I want my life to happen." I have to allow myself to hope for a new future, without Adam but still with my dream of a family.
Needing some prayer for hope, direction, and drive. I am still hurt so deep, but trying to move forward.
God Bless,
~A
Begin Again
Oct. 13, 2012
Beginning once again. This last year has been the most difficult of my life. From deaths, to bullying, to mental health issues, to surgery, to the loss of the love of my life...it has been a seriously difficult year. I am back here to try and begin to heal my heart because it is badly damaged and broken, from beyond what this last year has entailed.
Tonight infertility is on my mind. Two and a half weeks ago I had a D&C, hysteroscopy, polyps removed, and an IUD placed. This is all due to PCOS. I have been on my period since January almost constantly. I now have a cleared out uterus and a piece of plastic that is supposed to make everything better. Well, I am still bleeding and I question, "What was the point." Ok, yeah yeah they needed to check for cancer, but the odds of me having cancer are really low. What I am really worried about is what is the point of this if I can never have a baby. I put my body through this procedure when I'm not even in a position to try and have a baby. So I wait...and this waiting is painful, especially on the tail end of Adam breaking up with me. I tried the birth-control to treat PCOS and it gave me a blood clot in my renal vein, and now I've had the D&C but who knows if any of this is going to help. It is almost like facing the possibility that I will never have children all over again. I try not to think about this, but the thought, "I might never be a mother," runs through my head constantly. The greatest joy of life, the goal of my existence may never happen. It is devastating and heart wrenching.
I am still mending the wounds of a break-up, so of course a family seems ever further away. I'm scared, bottom line. I had lunch with a friend today and told her, "Each day I get closer and closer to actualizing my greatest fear," of not having a family. I am just very hurt and broken tonight, and now it is Adam's lunch break at work...my life still revolves around his schedule even when he's not in my life.
God Bless, Good Night
~Leecie
Beginning once again. This last year has been the most difficult of my life. From deaths, to bullying, to mental health issues, to surgery, to the loss of the love of my life...it has been a seriously difficult year. I am back here to try and begin to heal my heart because it is badly damaged and broken, from beyond what this last year has entailed.
Tonight infertility is on my mind. Two and a half weeks ago I had a D&C, hysteroscopy, polyps removed, and an IUD placed. This is all due to PCOS. I have been on my period since January almost constantly. I now have a cleared out uterus and a piece of plastic that is supposed to make everything better. Well, I am still bleeding and I question, "What was the point." Ok, yeah yeah they needed to check for cancer, but the odds of me having cancer are really low. What I am really worried about is what is the point of this if I can never have a baby. I put my body through this procedure when I'm not even in a position to try and have a baby. So I wait...and this waiting is painful, especially on the tail end of Adam breaking up with me. I tried the birth-control to treat PCOS and it gave me a blood clot in my renal vein, and now I've had the D&C but who knows if any of this is going to help. It is almost like facing the possibility that I will never have children all over again. I try not to think about this, but the thought, "I might never be a mother," runs through my head constantly. The greatest joy of life, the goal of my existence may never happen. It is devastating and heart wrenching.
I am still mending the wounds of a break-up, so of course a family seems ever further away. I'm scared, bottom line. I had lunch with a friend today and told her, "Each day I get closer and closer to actualizing my greatest fear," of not having a family. I am just very hurt and broken tonight, and now it is Adam's lunch break at work...my life still revolves around his schedule even when he's not in my life.
God Bless, Good Night
~Leecie
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