Begin Again

Oct. 13, 2012

Beginning once again. This last year has been the most difficult of my life. From deaths, to bullying, to mental health issues, to surgery, to the loss of the love of my life...it has been a seriously difficult year. I am back here to try and begin to heal my heart because it is badly damaged and broken, from beyond what this last year has entailed.

Tonight infertility is on my mind. Two and a half weeks ago I had a D&C, hysteroscopy, polyps removed, and an IUD placed. This is all due to PCOS. I have been on my period since January almost constantly. I now have a cleared out uterus and a piece of plastic that is supposed to make everything better. Well, I am still bleeding and I question, "What was the point." Ok, yeah yeah they needed to check for cancer, but the odds of me having cancer are really low. What I am really worried about is what is the point of this if I can never have a baby. I put my body through this procedure when I'm not even in a position to try and have a baby. So I wait...and this waiting is painful, especially on the tail end of Adam breaking up with me. I tried the birth-control to treat PCOS and it gave me a blood clot in my renal vein, and now I've had the D&C but who knows if any of this is going to help. It is almost like facing the possibility that I will never have children all over again. I try not to think about this, but the thought, "I might never be a mother," runs through my head constantly. The greatest joy of life, the goal of my existence may never happen. It is devastating and heart wrenching.

I am still mending the wounds of a break-up, so of course a family seems ever further away. I'm scared, bottom line. I had lunch with a friend today and told her, "Each day I get closer and closer to actualizing my greatest fear," of not having a family. I am just very hurt and broken tonight, and now it is Adam's lunch break at work...my life still revolves around his schedule even when he's not in my life.

God Bless, Good Night
~Leecie