Time to stop

Oct. 14th, 2012

Sometimes I just have to tell myself to stop. Whether I am watching youtube videos for hours on end, or freaking out about something I can't control; Sometimes I just have to stop. I often get fixated on things and want to know everything about that particular thing (famous people, religions, crafting, etc.), today I became fixated on fertility. I just finally had to stop myself because all the researching just fueled the "rabbit hole." This is a term one my therapists uses to describe those times when I continue to fuel a fixation or fear- don't indulge the rabbit hole.

Fertility is something I am very scared and worried about. I wasn't for a long time...and maybe because Adam brought that hope back to me that I might get to have a family...maybe that's why I now so fixated on it. I mean, I also had the D&C, polyp removal, and IUD put in...these are all ways to treat my PCOS and plan for fertility in the future. But I wonder...what really are my chances. I am not a typical person with PCOS...I can't take hormones. Hormones are what treat fertility...so if I can't have those what am I going to do? Uhg...see I just keep racing and racing around about my fear. "Give it to God," ok, really? Let's have your greatest hope on a high wire, then you can give me advice about God.

That is a whole 'nother issue. I continue to lose faith that my life really matters to God. I get that I'm part of His great plan...yada, yada, yada...but what about my plan? I have a great plan too, and it isn't for riches or fame...it is for a family. That is all I ever wanted. What is He doing with me? I've failed over and over again since HS...and all I have are papers to show for it. Again...here I go indulging in the rabbit hole.

I do have writing and my music. And I do have pretty wonderful people in my life. Adam always encouraged me to look at the blessings I do have instead of the blessings I don't. He's right. I still consider him a blessing I have, even if I don't have him.

Prayers for healing and good sleep would be appreciated.

Love You,
A