Nov. 20th, 2012
The time has come, actually the time is WAY over due. I need to lose some weight. I absolutely HATE talking about weight; its more than just dropping some lbs, I have a history of eating disorders so losing weight has to be a delicate balance. I have to take safe steps forward without going overboard one way or the other. WW is a great tool for me, and I plan on using that. Also, I have a Wii and LOVE the dancing game I have. But, I have to start slow, because it is very easy for me to get out of control and restrict myself and take things to far. Baby steps, small changes...this is what I'm going for.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Tears
Nov. 18th, 2012
Tears constantly pour down my face.
A race it seems to reach my neck
and drench my face in misery.
I keep my eyes shut when I awake.
I take those frozen dreamy moments
and stretch them, floating in a sort of purgatory.
Fists clenched and tight at every moment
Oh, meant to protect myself when the time comes
again. I am not safe from evil or fate.
(Work in progress/progrief)
Tears constantly pour down my face.
A race it seems to reach my neck
and drench my face in misery.
I keep my eyes shut when I awake.
I take those frozen dreamy moments
and stretch them, floating in a sort of purgatory.
Fists clenched and tight at every moment
Oh, meant to protect myself when the time comes
again. I am not safe from evil or fate.
(Work in progress/progrief)
Friday, November 16, 2012
This Life
Nov. 16th, 2012
I still instinctively begin to write "October" when the date is needed. Either that month went by way to fast or my November has been so unbelievable; I'm thinking a little of both.
PCOS Update:
I will be needing another D&C, but the Dr is hoping to do the procedure in the office. I am no so sure about this. I have only had 2 pelvic exams and neither of them went very well...not really sure how the Dr is going to be able to access what she needs to during my freak-out. I don't know why the pelvic is so difficult for me, maybe it is for everyone until they've had a child - then maybe the discomfort is bearable? I guess I am still healing from the initial D&C because today I have been in Vicodin-level pain. Usually I get the terrible lower abdominal pain when I lift something heavy, but I haven't lifted or moved anything heavy since Cole passed.
It feels like the worst cramps I have ever had, and nothing eases the pain...until I fall asleep from the Vicodin. I wonder how much longer I will be in pain from the D&C. I've talking to a couple of PCOS support groups, but they are hard for me to be a part of; everyone on those sites is married and trying to get pregnant. But what about us single girls dealing with stuff...where is our group?
It feels lonely to have such specific issues: D&C w/o pregnancy, not trying to get pregnant, can not be on hormone therapy, high estrogen levels...I really feel alone sometimes. I'm sure somewhere someone out there is like me, but I haven't found them. It's hard to know what is ok, or normal, or when all of this will end. (P.S. I'm still bleeding)
PRAYERS:
Just for life and hope. My life is turmoil, I have lost so much this year...I have experienced so much pain it is hard to want to go on. God is providing VERY few answers and NO peace of mind. I don't know why his plan for me was such stress and pain...should I get used to this? Is this the pattern for my future? And if not, how do I find a reason to want to be a part of a plan that continues to dissipation and hurt me. I'm at a loss. I can argue most things theologically, but I can't figure this life out. I don't want this life.
~A
I still instinctively begin to write "October" when the date is needed. Either that month went by way to fast or my November has been so unbelievable; I'm thinking a little of both.
PCOS Update:
I will be needing another D&C, but the Dr is hoping to do the procedure in the office. I am no so sure about this. I have only had 2 pelvic exams and neither of them went very well...not really sure how the Dr is going to be able to access what she needs to during my freak-out. I don't know why the pelvic is so difficult for me, maybe it is for everyone until they've had a child - then maybe the discomfort is bearable? I guess I am still healing from the initial D&C because today I have been in Vicodin-level pain. Usually I get the terrible lower abdominal pain when I lift something heavy, but I haven't lifted or moved anything heavy since Cole passed.
It feels like the worst cramps I have ever had, and nothing eases the pain...until I fall asleep from the Vicodin. I wonder how much longer I will be in pain from the D&C. I've talking to a couple of PCOS support groups, but they are hard for me to be a part of; everyone on those sites is married and trying to get pregnant. But what about us single girls dealing with stuff...where is our group?
It feels lonely to have such specific issues: D&C w/o pregnancy, not trying to get pregnant, can not be on hormone therapy, high estrogen levels...I really feel alone sometimes. I'm sure somewhere someone out there is like me, but I haven't found them. It's hard to know what is ok, or normal, or when all of this will end. (P.S. I'm still bleeding)
PRAYERS:
Just for life and hope. My life is turmoil, I have lost so much this year...I have experienced so much pain it is hard to want to go on. God is providing VERY few answers and NO peace of mind. I don't know why his plan for me was such stress and pain...should I get used to this? Is this the pattern for my future? And if not, how do I find a reason to want to be a part of a plan that continues to dissipation and hurt me. I'm at a loss. I can argue most things theologically, but I can't figure this life out. I don't want this life.
~A
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tough
Nov. 14th, 2012
Today was tough. It would have been Cole's 2nd birthday, and I think Roxy is beginning to notice him missing. She has been very whiny. Nothing we do calms her down, although she does finally settle if invited on the couch. We are all feeling the void left by Coley. I don't like sleeping in the guest bed waking up without him.
He's not the only boy that is missing from my heart. I am still trying to deal living without Adam. It is not as strong as a pain as the pain I have for missing Cole, but man did Adam get himself twisted up in my heart.
I hate being vulnerable, I hate waiting, and I HATE not being in control; the more life I live, the more I realize life is about being vulnerable, waiting, and relinquishing control.
Here is to another lonely night, my God bless me with as many happy ones,
~A
Today was tough. It would have been Cole's 2nd birthday, and I think Roxy is beginning to notice him missing. She has been very whiny. Nothing we do calms her down, although she does finally settle if invited on the couch. We are all feeling the void left by Coley. I don't like sleeping in the guest bed waking up without him.
He's not the only boy that is missing from my heart. I am still trying to deal living without Adam. It is not as strong as a pain as the pain I have for missing Cole, but man did Adam get himself twisted up in my heart.
I hate being vulnerable, I hate waiting, and I HATE not being in control; the more life I live, the more I realize life is about being vulnerable, waiting, and relinquishing control.
Here is to another lonely night, my God bless me with as many happy ones,
~A
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Temper and Fuse
Nov. 13th, 2012
Man am I angry today. Every little thing sets me off. I am just angry. I know it is my mourning turning into rage. But boy, I haven't had this kind of anger. Not much to say...don't want to dig a hole I can't get out of. Temper and fuse...I am trying to control it, but holy smoke its hard. And it doesn't take much to set me off either. Some serious anger. Its better if I just don't talk I think, or interact with many people at the moment - cause honestly I can't hold my tongue right now.
-A
Man am I angry today. Every little thing sets me off. I am just angry. I know it is my mourning turning into rage. But boy, I haven't had this kind of anger. Not much to say...don't want to dig a hole I can't get out of. Temper and fuse...I am trying to control it, but holy smoke its hard. And it doesn't take much to set me off either. Some serious anger. Its better if I just don't talk I think, or interact with many people at the moment - cause honestly I can't hold my tongue right now.
-A
Monday, November 12, 2012
He was my world
Nov. 12th, 2012
It is with the heaviest of hearts and a cascade of tears that I tell you all my precious Cole is gone. My puppy, Coltrane, was the light of my life, and now lives in the clouds with the angels. He was one of the most amazing creatures to ever grace God's Earth. He loved everyone and was loved by everyone; I still find it hard not to smile when I look at his pictures. He was hyper, and silly, jumpy, and patient, lovable, and loyal - the greatest dog I have ever known.
About two years ago I suffered a nervous breakdown. It was the scariest thing that has ever overtaken my body. I was afraid of life, the outdoors, other people, and open spaces. I wanted to hide - I wanted to die. It was the deepest depression of my life to date. One of the places I found refuge was my Gramma and Aunt's home; this is where I met Cole.
My Aunt's dog gave birth to 9 puppies during this time. I met the puppies while they were still "baking" in the "oven" weeks before my severe depressive episode and knew our family would be taking home a puppy from this litter. I was determined to have a little girl puppy to call my own. Sure enough, on Nov. 14th 2010 a beautiful little girl, later to be named "Roxy" was born.
I visited the puppies about 2 and a half weeks after they were born, and although I knew I was taking home a little girl puppy in a few weeks, one precious boy melted my heart. He was black and white - just beautiful, with a little pink nose and the softest paws. He had light eyes and loved to cuddle. A few weeks later I visited my Gramma and Aunt and was faced to faced with this sweet little boy once again.
I begged my mom and dad to bring two puppies home instead of one. They miraculously agreed - must have been my impeccable negotiating skills. But really, I just knew I wanted Cole - at this early time we had already bonded. His name, I thought so LONG and hard about his name. He had to have a jazz name, with such a cool look. One of my favorite movies was "Mr. Holland's Opus," and he had named his son after the jazz sax player John Coltrane. COLTRANE! That was it, that was his name. I know many people to this day have a hard time relating that big name to a wiggly little dog, but I just knew that was his name. Cole for short.
I had visited the puppies almost every two weeks since they were born. I was still dealing with crippling depression along with several other issues. I slept often during my visits. When I would get up from my lengthy nap, the puppies would usually be taking their evening nap, all except for Cole. Like clockwork every day he was the only puppy awake when I would enter the living room; I believe he sensed something in me. I would scoop him up and lay him on my chest. We would play a little, he would chew on my hair, snuggle up in my neck, and quickly fall asleep. He loved to sleep on me ;)
Cole was my rehabilitation from depression during that time in my life. He was my world. I fed him (and Roxy of course), bathed him, walked him, took him to puppy kindergarten, taught him tricks, potty trained him, and sang him to sleep. He was my world. He gave me strength to leave the house, he made me smile when my heart was hurting, he gave me unconditional love when I felt I was alone and unloved. He was my world.
During his two years on this Earth, Coltrane was my rock - the love of my life. I cried so many times on his shoulder. He would sniff my tears and kiss my cheeks. Although he may not have understood crying, he knew I needed him and was completely devoted to me. I have never loved anything like I loved Cole. I made the hour trip often to see him when Mom and Dad moved. He and I did my first 5K together, trained for it together, and visited the puppy park to play. I could go on and on about this animal...but this post is getting long.
Cole was my hope. He was my love. And he was my world. When life hurt and threw me curve balls, he was always there to show me that at least one being loved me no matter what. He made me smile in the darkest times, and helped me to experience pure love. I will miss my precious puppy so deeply. I don't know when the grieving will stop, but I know I never want the memories to go away. The vet gave us a paw impression the day he was put to sleep, and it brings me so much comfort.
To me, he was the greatest dog in the world. He was my world and I will never forget him.
Goodnight my baby boy, rest well, and enjoy the beaches in Heaven.
I Love You,
Your Mama CeeBee
It is with the heaviest of hearts and a cascade of tears that I tell you all my precious Cole is gone. My puppy, Coltrane, was the light of my life, and now lives in the clouds with the angels. He was one of the most amazing creatures to ever grace God's Earth. He loved everyone and was loved by everyone; I still find it hard not to smile when I look at his pictures. He was hyper, and silly, jumpy, and patient, lovable, and loyal - the greatest dog I have ever known.
About two years ago I suffered a nervous breakdown. It was the scariest thing that has ever overtaken my body. I was afraid of life, the outdoors, other people, and open spaces. I wanted to hide - I wanted to die. It was the deepest depression of my life to date. One of the places I found refuge was my Gramma and Aunt's home; this is where I met Cole.
My Aunt's dog gave birth to 9 puppies during this time. I met the puppies while they were still "baking" in the "oven" weeks before my severe depressive episode and knew our family would be taking home a puppy from this litter. I was determined to have a little girl puppy to call my own. Sure enough, on Nov. 14th 2010 a beautiful little girl, later to be named "Roxy" was born.
I visited the puppies about 2 and a half weeks after they were born, and although I knew I was taking home a little girl puppy in a few weeks, one precious boy melted my heart. He was black and white - just beautiful, with a little pink nose and the softest paws. He had light eyes and loved to cuddle. A few weeks later I visited my Gramma and Aunt and was faced to faced with this sweet little boy once again.
I begged my mom and dad to bring two puppies home instead of one. They miraculously agreed - must have been my impeccable negotiating skills. But really, I just knew I wanted Cole - at this early time we had already bonded. His name, I thought so LONG and hard about his name. He had to have a jazz name, with such a cool look. One of my favorite movies was "Mr. Holland's Opus," and he had named his son after the jazz sax player John Coltrane. COLTRANE! That was it, that was his name. I know many people to this day have a hard time relating that big name to a wiggly little dog, but I just knew that was his name. Cole for short.
I had visited the puppies almost every two weeks since they were born. I was still dealing with crippling depression along with several other issues. I slept often during my visits. When I would get up from my lengthy nap, the puppies would usually be taking their evening nap, all except for Cole. Like clockwork every day he was the only puppy awake when I would enter the living room; I believe he sensed something in me. I would scoop him up and lay him on my chest. We would play a little, he would chew on my hair, snuggle up in my neck, and quickly fall asleep. He loved to sleep on me ;)
Cole was my rehabilitation from depression during that time in my life. He was my world. I fed him (and Roxy of course), bathed him, walked him, took him to puppy kindergarten, taught him tricks, potty trained him, and sang him to sleep. He was my world. He gave me strength to leave the house, he made me smile when my heart was hurting, he gave me unconditional love when I felt I was alone and unloved. He was my world.
During his two years on this Earth, Coltrane was my rock - the love of my life. I cried so many times on his shoulder. He would sniff my tears and kiss my cheeks. Although he may not have understood crying, he knew I needed him and was completely devoted to me. I have never loved anything like I loved Cole. I made the hour trip often to see him when Mom and Dad moved. He and I did my first 5K together, trained for it together, and visited the puppy park to play. I could go on and on about this animal...but this post is getting long.
Cole was my hope. He was my love. And he was my world. When life hurt and threw me curve balls, he was always there to show me that at least one being loved me no matter what. He made me smile in the darkest times, and helped me to experience pure love. I will miss my precious puppy so deeply. I don't know when the grieving will stop, but I know I never want the memories to go away. The vet gave us a paw impression the day he was put to sleep, and it brings me so much comfort.
To me, he was the greatest dog in the world. He was my world and I will never forget him.
Goodnight my baby boy, rest well, and enjoy the beaches in Heaven.
I Love You,
Your Mama CeeBee
Friday, November 2, 2012
All I can do is wait...
Nov. 2nd, 2012
It feels like everything is falling down around me. Right now I am in a state of numbness dealing with Cole being sick. I can't even let myself feel right now. All my medical issues seem so unimportant. All my energy is focused on him. I need him to be OK. I feel so out of control. This is a really hard, sad, and dark time for me. All I can do is wait.
It feels like everything is falling down around me. Right now I am in a state of numbness dealing with Cole being sick. I can't even let myself feel right now. All my medical issues seem so unimportant. All my energy is focused on him. I need him to be OK. I feel so out of control. This is a really hard, sad, and dark time for me. All I can do is wait.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Today was a rest
Oct. 29. 2012
WOW. What a great day. I am seriously surprised. I had a terrible nights sleep, so I ended up sleeping until 2 this afternoon. But, I got up, was really positive and cleaned my apartment! It has been such a mess for SO long, this last year hasn't left me much time to keep my place in order. But today I accomplished SO much. Not only cleaning up, but organizing, purging crap, and hanging things. I feel really good about all that got done today.
I'm sure it seems silly to be so happy and proud of myself to get this place in order, but my life has been so much grieving lately that having any effort to be productive is a victory.
I am still trying to figure out how to be OK with not being with Adam anymore. I don't want to get too into that in this post, because today has been great and I don't want to be sad about him right this second, lol. And then, my poor dog Coltrane was diagnosed with hydrocephalus- swelling of the brain due to infection, virus, cancer...we don't know why yet. So trying to juggle school, medical responsibilities, school, and getting my place cleaned up has been hard when I am an hour from my house holding my sweet baby boy. It has been really hard to watch him struggle, but all I can do is pray for him and make his life full of love. He is my last little ray of sunshine (the other two being my Gramma and Adam). I need him here, so feel free to say a quick prayer for my sweet puppy boy.
Today was just the rest my mind needed from all the stress (I hate that word) surrounding my life right now.
I am in some pain in my lower abdomen...my uteran area ;) due to the D&C. When I lift or move anything heavy, it hurts my stomach SO bad. I don't really know why, but I am not supposed to be lifting or moving anything for 4-6weeks after the procedure; It's been 5 weeks so I thought I would be OK. I never did ask my Dr. why it hurts so bad when I lift something heavy, maybe do to the uterus healing? I'm assuming this is why...any other suggestions welcomed.
Well, I'm now off to relax with a midterm and some research. Keep those prayers coming...cause they are working.
Love you all you guys,
Aleece
WOW. What a great day. I am seriously surprised. I had a terrible nights sleep, so I ended up sleeping until 2 this afternoon. But, I got up, was really positive and cleaned my apartment! It has been such a mess for SO long, this last year hasn't left me much time to keep my place in order. But today I accomplished SO much. Not only cleaning up, but organizing, purging crap, and hanging things. I feel really good about all that got done today.
I'm sure it seems silly to be so happy and proud of myself to get this place in order, but my life has been so much grieving lately that having any effort to be productive is a victory.
I am still trying to figure out how to be OK with not being with Adam anymore. I don't want to get too into that in this post, because today has been great and I don't want to be sad about him right this second, lol. And then, my poor dog Coltrane was diagnosed with hydrocephalus- swelling of the brain due to infection, virus, cancer...we don't know why yet. So trying to juggle school, medical responsibilities, school, and getting my place cleaned up has been hard when I am an hour from my house holding my sweet baby boy. It has been really hard to watch him struggle, but all I can do is pray for him and make his life full of love. He is my last little ray of sunshine (the other two being my Gramma and Adam). I need him here, so feel free to say a quick prayer for my sweet puppy boy.
Today was just the rest my mind needed from all the stress (I hate that word) surrounding my life right now.
I am in some pain in my lower abdomen...my uteran area ;) due to the D&C. When I lift or move anything heavy, it hurts my stomach SO bad. I don't really know why, but I am not supposed to be lifting or moving anything for 4-6weeks after the procedure; It's been 5 weeks so I thought I would be OK. I never did ask my Dr. why it hurts so bad when I lift something heavy, maybe do to the uterus healing? I'm assuming this is why...any other suggestions welcomed.
Well, I'm now off to relax with a midterm and some research. Keep those prayers coming...cause they are working.
Love you all you guys,
Aleece
Sunday, October 28, 2012
The only one?
Oct. 28th, 2012
I had an appointment Friday that terrified me. It was related to my D&C. A week ago I inquired about the continual bleeding I have been experiencing since the procedure. In an email response my Dr. said I could be bleeding for up to 6 weeks and that we would go over the results of my biopsy the following week. This scared the crap out of me. Why wouldn't she tell me the results then? Why hadn't she posted them on "MyChart?" I freaked out. I messaged friends asking for prayer because I didn't understand why good news would need to be discussed in person. That is because the new was complicated.
I am fine, no cancer, no pre-cancer, no abnormal cells. But, the lining of my uterus was SO thick. For example, the inside of your uterus should look like an open cave that gets darker in the distance; open and clear. My uterus looked like a cotton candy machine - pink fluff ever where. I believe the Dr. said there was even lining growning on my cervix. There were also large forms of cell called polyps all over the place, several removed because they could be seen, some on my cervix, and some found inside all the tissue they removed. This could have been a terribly bad thing, but all my extra lining was healthy.
My personal thought on this extra thick lining is because my body wants a baby so bad it just keeps making lining for something to stick, but when lining is too thick an egg wont attach anyway...but I digress.
A brief sigh of relief was followed by the news that in 3 months I will need another D&C. Healthy - yes....am I done with bleeding, pain and procedures - no. I could still be bleeding for up to 6 MONTHS. Yes, ANOTHER 6 months. At that point I will have had a period for over a year. Ladies, remind yourself of this when you are in the agony of cramps.
I have mixed emotions about all of this. It is very hard for me to find other people like me....young, single, no miscarriage, not trying to get pregnant, can't have hormones, etc. I am hoping this blog will reach people in my same situation, cause right now I know I feel like the only person going through this.
Prayers and Thoughts appreciated,
A
I had an appointment Friday that terrified me. It was related to my D&C. A week ago I inquired about the continual bleeding I have been experiencing since the procedure. In an email response my Dr. said I could be bleeding for up to 6 weeks and that we would go over the results of my biopsy the following week. This scared the crap out of me. Why wouldn't she tell me the results then? Why hadn't she posted them on "MyChart?" I freaked out. I messaged friends asking for prayer because I didn't understand why good news would need to be discussed in person. That is because the new was complicated.
I am fine, no cancer, no pre-cancer, no abnormal cells. But, the lining of my uterus was SO thick. For example, the inside of your uterus should look like an open cave that gets darker in the distance; open and clear. My uterus looked like a cotton candy machine - pink fluff ever where. I believe the Dr. said there was even lining growning on my cervix. There were also large forms of cell called polyps all over the place, several removed because they could be seen, some on my cervix, and some found inside all the tissue they removed. This could have been a terribly bad thing, but all my extra lining was healthy.
My personal thought on this extra thick lining is because my body wants a baby so bad it just keeps making lining for something to stick, but when lining is too thick an egg wont attach anyway...but I digress.
A brief sigh of relief was followed by the news that in 3 months I will need another D&C. Healthy - yes....am I done with bleeding, pain and procedures - no. I could still be bleeding for up to 6 MONTHS. Yes, ANOTHER 6 months. At that point I will have had a period for over a year. Ladies, remind yourself of this when you are in the agony of cramps.
I have mixed emotions about all of this. It is very hard for me to find other people like me....young, single, no miscarriage, not trying to get pregnant, can't have hormones, etc. I am hoping this blog will reach people in my same situation, cause right now I know I feel like the only person going through this.
Prayers and Thoughts appreciated,
A
Sunday, October 21, 2012
29
Oct. 21, 2012
I am 29 years old. That seems so strange to say. There are so many things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 29. Nothing like travel the world, or skydive; I wanted to be able to say I had a family. I wanted to be able to share what pregnancy was like, what my wedding and honeymoon were like, and buying my first home. I wanted to have met my soul-mate. This is not my life. My life now is not what I ever thought it would be.
I have said that last phrase over the last 5 or so years. I wonder when I will stop saying that. Or follow it up with, "it's better." I share this not to portray a mood of sadness, but in a weird way a mood of hope. I still desperately want a family, a husband, a home. And I can say today that I have hope those things will come. But who am I kidding, I would LOVE for them to bump into me at Target today, lol. Life never comes quick enough for me.
For example, I have a post-op appointment with my Dr. on Friday. This appointment cannot come soon enough. We will be discussing the results from my biopsy - they took the samples from the D&C/poylp removal and had them tested. I am DYING for the results. LOL, probably shouldn't have said "dying" in full caps...sorry ;P. My Dr. said we will discuss my results in person. Yeah, my mind has been going crazy. I just try not to think about it, and have many people praying for me so I think that has helped me be less anxious.
So here I am, starting out 29 with a broken relationship and medical news. Wonderful, lol. I am trying to be positive though. I have confided in several friends and am getting stronger emotionally from their comfort and support. This is gonna be a good year. I don't know what to expect honestly, my plans are not typically honored by God, so we will just have to wait and see.
God Bless you all you guys, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I need it.
Loves,
A
I am 29 years old. That seems so strange to say. There are so many things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 29. Nothing like travel the world, or skydive; I wanted to be able to say I had a family. I wanted to be able to share what pregnancy was like, what my wedding and honeymoon were like, and buying my first home. I wanted to have met my soul-mate. This is not my life. My life now is not what I ever thought it would be.
I have said that last phrase over the last 5 or so years. I wonder when I will stop saying that. Or follow it up with, "it's better." I share this not to portray a mood of sadness, but in a weird way a mood of hope. I still desperately want a family, a husband, a home. And I can say today that I have hope those things will come. But who am I kidding, I would LOVE for them to bump into me at Target today, lol. Life never comes quick enough for me.
For example, I have a post-op appointment with my Dr. on Friday. This appointment cannot come soon enough. We will be discussing the results from my biopsy - they took the samples from the D&C/poylp removal and had them tested. I am DYING for the results. LOL, probably shouldn't have said "dying" in full caps...sorry ;P. My Dr. said we will discuss my results in person. Yeah, my mind has been going crazy. I just try not to think about it, and have many people praying for me so I think that has helped me be less anxious.
So here I am, starting out 29 with a broken relationship and medical news. Wonderful, lol. I am trying to be positive though. I have confided in several friends and am getting stronger emotionally from their comfort and support. This is gonna be a good year. I don't know what to expect honestly, my plans are not typically honored by God, so we will just have to wait and see.
God Bless you all you guys, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I need it.
Loves,
A
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Meantime
Oct. 15th, 2012
I know I have referenced the breakup, but I don't know if I really want to talk about it yet. He is still on my mind constantly. I am starting to become numb to the pain...I am figuring out how to re-direct my mind so that I don't feel the hurt within my soul. But my thoughts are still fixed to see what would bring brightness to his world; my eyes see what would delight him. He always said I made him so happy...
I thanked God in so many moments with him, so many moments. Just so grateful that I had this incredible man who cared for me. Life was making sense.
And now, with part of me missing, I have to wake up everyday and move forward - without the person I want to be living for.
God's timing is supposed to be perfect...but in the meantime, what does He mean for us to do with the hurt?
~A
I know I have referenced the breakup, but I don't know if I really want to talk about it yet. He is still on my mind constantly. I am starting to become numb to the pain...I am figuring out how to re-direct my mind so that I don't feel the hurt within my soul. But my thoughts are still fixed to see what would bring brightness to his world; my eyes see what would delight him. He always said I made him so happy...
I thanked God in so many moments with him, so many moments. Just so grateful that I had this incredible man who cared for me. Life was making sense.
And now, with part of me missing, I have to wake up everyday and move forward - without the person I want to be living for.
God's timing is supposed to be perfect...but in the meantime, what does He mean for us to do with the hurt?
~A
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Time to stop
Oct. 14th, 2012
Sometimes I just have to tell myself to stop. Whether I am watching youtube videos for hours on end, or freaking out about something I can't control; Sometimes I just have to stop. I often get fixated on things and want to know everything about that particular thing (famous people, religions, crafting, etc.), today I became fixated on fertility. I just finally had to stop myself because all the researching just fueled the "rabbit hole." This is a term one my therapists uses to describe those times when I continue to fuel a fixation or fear- don't indulge the rabbit hole.
Fertility is something I am very scared and worried about. I wasn't for a long time...and maybe because Adam brought that hope back to me that I might get to have a family...maybe that's why I now so fixated on it. I mean, I also had the D&C, polyp removal, and IUD put in...these are all ways to treat my PCOS and plan for fertility in the future. But I wonder...what really are my chances. I am not a typical person with PCOS...I can't take hormones. Hormones are what treat fertility...so if I can't have those what am I going to do? Uhg...see I just keep racing and racing around about my fear. "Give it to God," ok, really? Let's have your greatest hope on a high wire, then you can give me advice about God.
That is a whole 'nother issue. I continue to lose faith that my life really matters to God. I get that I'm part of His great plan...yada, yada, yada...but what about my plan? I have a great plan too, and it isn't for riches or fame...it is for a family. That is all I ever wanted. What is He doing with me? I've failed over and over again since HS...and all I have are papers to show for it. Again...here I go indulging in the rabbit hole.
I do have writing and my music. And I do have pretty wonderful people in my life. Adam always encouraged me to look at the blessings I do have instead of the blessings I don't. He's right. I still consider him a blessing I have, even if I don't have him.
Prayers for healing and good sleep would be appreciated.
Love You,
A
Sometimes I just have to tell myself to stop. Whether I am watching youtube videos for hours on end, or freaking out about something I can't control; Sometimes I just have to stop. I often get fixated on things and want to know everything about that particular thing (famous people, religions, crafting, etc.), today I became fixated on fertility. I just finally had to stop myself because all the researching just fueled the "rabbit hole." This is a term one my therapists uses to describe those times when I continue to fuel a fixation or fear- don't indulge the rabbit hole.
Fertility is something I am very scared and worried about. I wasn't for a long time...and maybe because Adam brought that hope back to me that I might get to have a family...maybe that's why I now so fixated on it. I mean, I also had the D&C, polyp removal, and IUD put in...these are all ways to treat my PCOS and plan for fertility in the future. But I wonder...what really are my chances. I am not a typical person with PCOS...I can't take hormones. Hormones are what treat fertility...so if I can't have those what am I going to do? Uhg...see I just keep racing and racing around about my fear. "Give it to God," ok, really? Let's have your greatest hope on a high wire, then you can give me advice about God.
That is a whole 'nother issue. I continue to lose faith that my life really matters to God. I get that I'm part of His great plan...yada, yada, yada...but what about my plan? I have a great plan too, and it isn't for riches or fame...it is for a family. That is all I ever wanted. What is He doing with me? I've failed over and over again since HS...and all I have are papers to show for it. Again...here I go indulging in the rabbit hole.
I do have writing and my music. And I do have pretty wonderful people in my life. Adam always encouraged me to look at the blessings I do have instead of the blessings I don't. He's right. I still consider him a blessing I have, even if I don't have him.
Prayers for healing and good sleep would be appreciated.
Love You,
A
Saturday, October 13, 2012
I can still hope
Oct. 13th, 2012
(Again)
I wrote so late last night that it was actually today....you get it ;)
Not much going on today...had a rough time sleeping last night and then of course I was awake during Adam's lunch break...that was a horrible temptation. But, I was strong and kept busy. I was in a lot of pain today. I am not supposed to be lifting anything heavy for another couple of weeks, but I didn't realize packing my car with clothes, my C-PAP, computer, make-up, and backpack would be too heavy to lift without getting hurt. Yup, I was wrong and in CRAZY pain once I got to the house I am house-sitting fore. Ended up having to take a Vicodin, which made things MUCH butter. But I have to say I was really sluggish today...and very sleepy. I didn't nap, but really wanted to. I watched a couple of videos online, actually had lunch and dinner which is huge, and moped over Adam. A nice day actually, LOL.
Now it's night time, and the nights have been the hardest since not being with Adam anymore. No late-night phone calls, no movies and cuddles, no companion. Just me. In the quite. I HATE the quite; those times are filled with my mind wandering, and right now I just want my mind of be focused.
I did have a little epiphany today...just because Adam doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I have to give up on my hope for a family someday. I'm sure that sounds obvious, but it wasn't for me. I was so fixated on, "This is who I want, and this is how I want my life to happen." I have to allow myself to hope for a new future, without Adam but still with my dream of a family.
Needing some prayer for hope, direction, and drive. I am still hurt so deep, but trying to move forward.
God Bless,
~A
(Again)
I wrote so late last night that it was actually today....you get it ;)
Not much going on today...had a rough time sleeping last night and then of course I was awake during Adam's lunch break...that was a horrible temptation. But, I was strong and kept busy. I was in a lot of pain today. I am not supposed to be lifting anything heavy for another couple of weeks, but I didn't realize packing my car with clothes, my C-PAP, computer, make-up, and backpack would be too heavy to lift without getting hurt. Yup, I was wrong and in CRAZY pain once I got to the house I am house-sitting fore. Ended up having to take a Vicodin, which made things MUCH butter. But I have to say I was really sluggish today...and very sleepy. I didn't nap, but really wanted to. I watched a couple of videos online, actually had lunch and dinner which is huge, and moped over Adam. A nice day actually, LOL.
Now it's night time, and the nights have been the hardest since not being with Adam anymore. No late-night phone calls, no movies and cuddles, no companion. Just me. In the quite. I HATE the quite; those times are filled with my mind wandering, and right now I just want my mind of be focused.
I did have a little epiphany today...just because Adam doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I have to give up on my hope for a family someday. I'm sure that sounds obvious, but it wasn't for me. I was so fixated on, "This is who I want, and this is how I want my life to happen." I have to allow myself to hope for a new future, without Adam but still with my dream of a family.
Needing some prayer for hope, direction, and drive. I am still hurt so deep, but trying to move forward.
God Bless,
~A
Begin Again
Oct. 13, 2012
Beginning once again. This last year has been the most difficult of my life. From deaths, to bullying, to mental health issues, to surgery, to the loss of the love of my life...it has been a seriously difficult year. I am back here to try and begin to heal my heart because it is badly damaged and broken, from beyond what this last year has entailed.
Tonight infertility is on my mind. Two and a half weeks ago I had a D&C, hysteroscopy, polyps removed, and an IUD placed. This is all due to PCOS. I have been on my period since January almost constantly. I now have a cleared out uterus and a piece of plastic that is supposed to make everything better. Well, I am still bleeding and I question, "What was the point." Ok, yeah yeah they needed to check for cancer, but the odds of me having cancer are really low. What I am really worried about is what is the point of this if I can never have a baby. I put my body through this procedure when I'm not even in a position to try and have a baby. So I wait...and this waiting is painful, especially on the tail end of Adam breaking up with me. I tried the birth-control to treat PCOS and it gave me a blood clot in my renal vein, and now I've had the D&C but who knows if any of this is going to help. It is almost like facing the possibility that I will never have children all over again. I try not to think about this, but the thought, "I might never be a mother," runs through my head constantly. The greatest joy of life, the goal of my existence may never happen. It is devastating and heart wrenching.
I am still mending the wounds of a break-up, so of course a family seems ever further away. I'm scared, bottom line. I had lunch with a friend today and told her, "Each day I get closer and closer to actualizing my greatest fear," of not having a family. I am just very hurt and broken tonight, and now it is Adam's lunch break at work...my life still revolves around his schedule even when he's not in my life.
God Bless, Good Night
~Leecie
Beginning once again. This last year has been the most difficult of my life. From deaths, to bullying, to mental health issues, to surgery, to the loss of the love of my life...it has been a seriously difficult year. I am back here to try and begin to heal my heart because it is badly damaged and broken, from beyond what this last year has entailed.
Tonight infertility is on my mind. Two and a half weeks ago I had a D&C, hysteroscopy, polyps removed, and an IUD placed. This is all due to PCOS. I have been on my period since January almost constantly. I now have a cleared out uterus and a piece of plastic that is supposed to make everything better. Well, I am still bleeding and I question, "What was the point." Ok, yeah yeah they needed to check for cancer, but the odds of me having cancer are really low. What I am really worried about is what is the point of this if I can never have a baby. I put my body through this procedure when I'm not even in a position to try and have a baby. So I wait...and this waiting is painful, especially on the tail end of Adam breaking up with me. I tried the birth-control to treat PCOS and it gave me a blood clot in my renal vein, and now I've had the D&C but who knows if any of this is going to help. It is almost like facing the possibility that I will never have children all over again. I try not to think about this, but the thought, "I might never be a mother," runs through my head constantly. The greatest joy of life, the goal of my existence may never happen. It is devastating and heart wrenching.
I am still mending the wounds of a break-up, so of course a family seems ever further away. I'm scared, bottom line. I had lunch with a friend today and told her, "Each day I get closer and closer to actualizing my greatest fear," of not having a family. I am just very hurt and broken tonight, and now it is Adam's lunch break at work...my life still revolves around his schedule even when he's not in my life.
God Bless, Good Night
~Leecie
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